


To Wake To Love

by silverneko9lives0



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coma, Dwarf Courting, F/M, Hobbit Courting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Reconciliation, Sleeping Beauty Elements, True Love, abuse recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 40,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25750723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverneko9lives0/pseuds/silverneko9lives0
Summary: Reposted!Had to do some reworking, but it's still the same story.Sometimes the only soul that can mend a broken heart is the one that broke it. For they are the ones holding all the pieces. – Patti Roberts. After the BotFA, Bilbo leaves Thorin and returns to the Shire. A few months later, two of their companions come knocking at his door…
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Ori (Tolkien), Dís/Dís's Husband, Glóin/Glóin's Wife
Comments: 30
Kudos: 208





	1. Chapter 1

_I may have been too cruel,_ Bilbo thought, sipping his tea.

He hadn’t thought so a year ago, but a year ago, he was still fighting the trauma of being threatened by the one he thought he could trust beyond all doubt.

He could not confidently go through with any sort of relationship with Thorin then.

Would he be able to now?

He didn’t quite know.

A part of him desperately wanted to say yes, he would. But Bilbo was a rational sort. The likelihood of any sort of romantic relationship with the King of Erebor was slim to none.

The memory of their last encounter was always one he revisited…

“ _Please,” Thorin whispered, reaching for him._

_Bilbo stepped backward out of his reach and turned away. It was that or meet Thorin’s heartbroken gaze. He twirled the bead and braid around his finger, debating what to do with it. Cut it? He thought that too cruel. It’d have to be taken out anyway._

“ _I know I hurt you, but you know I wasn’t myself. Ghivasha…Amrâlimê…I am sorry, Bilbo. I love you.”_

“ _I know you do. That’s part of the problem, isn’t it?” Bilbo sighed. “I helped you get your home back. That’s all I’m needed for, so now I will go back to my home.”_

“ _You are my home,” Thorin said. “Does that mean nothing to you?”_

“ _I can’t stay where I am not safe!” Bilbo shouted, pulling the courtship bead free. “I’m sorry, Thorin, but you tried to kill me. How can I believe a word you say?”_

_If he looked at him, he’d likely break apart, so he didn’t. A hard feat, given how devastated his –_

_No._

_Not his._

_Not anymore._

_Bilbo placed the bead on Thorin’s sternum._

“ _Keep it. Give it to someone who you won’t feel a need to threaten.”_

_Thorin gripped his wrist, and Bilbo tensed. His heart beat rapidly. From fear or hope, he didn’t know. Nor did he feel it mattered as things were right now._

“ _Let go of me, Thorin.”_

“ _There is no one else for me, Bilbo. It’s you. It’s always been you and always will be.”_

_Bilbo exhaled and wrenched free. “I wish you well, Thorin.”_

“ _Bilbo! Bilbo, wait!”_

_He didn’t._

_There wasn’t anything Thorin could say to change his mind._

Bilbo sighed, wondering if it was too late to go back. He left angry and hurt. He needed time away, but to run back to the Shire when he was forever changed?

Unlikely.

How he left had made him a little ill. He hadn’t seen anyone else afterward, convinced they’d – like Thorin – chip away at his resolve to leave.

 _Yes,_ he decided. _I was too cruel._

Well, there was nothing for it but to send a letter to Thorin and the others. Make apologies of his own and see if any friendships could rekindle.

He didn’t see how he could hope for more than that. Besides, it was best if he and Thorin never saw each other again anyway. They were too…

Too…

Well, it was passionate, that much was certain.

Before Thorin fell ill, he was that. He was always that.

Passionate.

He jolted when someone knocked at the door rapidly. It was dark out already and most Hobbits were already deep asleep by now. Bilbo set his tea down just as another succession of knocks summoned him. He went to the door, thinking perhaps that he’d see a Dwarf again.

A part of him feared and hoped that it’d be Thorin.

He pulled the door open.

“Oh, good,” Balin said, releasing a relieved sigh. “You’re home.” Dwalin forced his way inside. “Oi! Brother, we agreed to talk to him first.”

“Still going to pack for him!” Dwalin snapped. “Sooner we’re back on the road, the better.”

“What? No! I’m not going anywhere without an explanation!”

“Yes, I’m aware of that,” Balin assured him. He scratched the back of his neck. “It’s Thorin.”

Bilbo swallowed, fearing the worst. “What about Thorin?”

“He’s not woken up.”

Bilbo leaned against the wall. “He’s dead?” he asked, feeling as though he’d been dropped in ice water.

“Dead? No! No, he’s alive. But he’s comatose. It only should’ve lasted till his injuries were healed which was some months ago, so…well, that he’s not woken…uh…”

“If he’s not dead, then why are you here?”

“To bring you back,” Balin said. “He needs you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Bilbo, you have to come back to Erebor. You’re his only chance at waking.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Balin!” Bilbo snapped. “How am I supposed to help him wake?”

“Bilbo, we Dwarves love fiercely and jealously,” Balin said. “I know you know this. We would do all we can to protect our friends and family, but I don’t think you quite understand how that would affect romantic love.

“Because we are prone to love so deeply, we often only have one romantic relationship in our life. When you and Thorin agreed to court, it might not have been as great a thing for you, but for Thorin, it was…well, he had given you more than a braid and his devotion, it was his heart and his soul. All that he had to give was yours to keep.

“When you broke your courtship with him, you did more than break his heart. His body is treating it as if it were a physical injury. I can’t say why or how, but that’s the only thing I can think of that would explain why Thorin has yet to wake up even after all his injuries have healed.”

Bilbo blinked. “So…what? He can’t be in a coma because of a broken heart!”

“We don’t have any other theories that are as plausible.”

“There has to be a more plausible explanation. It can’t be because of me. Why would Thorin’s body think that he was in physical pain from a broken heart?”

“BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FAULT!” Dwalin bellowed, throwing Bilbo’s pack at him. Bilbo caught it, stunned at Dwalin’s outburst. “YOU BROKE HIS HEART! YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX IT!”

He set the bag down, meeting Dwalin’s glare with one of his own.

“Thorin broke my heart first, if you recall,” he snarled. “He held me over the ramparts threatening to drop me. He was going to kill me, Dwalin. Do you really think anyone would want to stay with another after that?”

“No, of course not,” Balin said. “Anyone would break a courtship after that. It’s a sensible thing to do. But Bilbo, our king is dying at this rate. We begged Lady Dis to allow you to try before giving up.”

“You know of Dis, don’t you?” Dwalin snarled. “Thorin’s little sister. Who he practically raised since Erebor fell to Smaug?”

Fili’s and Kili’s mother.

He had heard of her from both boys and Thorin.

“Please Bilbo, you’re our last chance to wake him,” Balin added. “I don’t want to give up hope until we have exhausted every possible alternative.”

Bilbo sighed.

“All right,” he said. “But not like last time. I need to prepare this time, or I’ll have my belongings swindled under me again – I’ll explain later. Just give me a week.”

“Time is against us,” Dwalin said.

“I understand that!” Bilbo snapped. “Last time I went off with you and the others, I came home to find I’d been declared dead and my home ransacked! I would like to prevent that this time around, if I may!”

“More than fair,” Balin said. “We’ll write to Lady Dis and let her know your decision.”

Bilbo nodded.

_What fresh madness have you gotten me into now, Thorin Oakenshield?_

#

He stared by visiting his cousin the Thain, Fortinbras Took. He explained the situation, as best he could though he himself didn’t entirely understand it.

From there, he drew up a will in the event of his never returning for whatever reason may come. He outlined a two years plan.

In the meantime, he appointed a younger cousin his steward – Drogo Baggins, son of Fosco Baggins, son of Largo Baggins – his grandfather’s younger brother.

Drogo had just come of age. He was a sensible youth, curious and studious both, though he had been expressing a need for independence separate from his parents. This would likely give it to him.

And in the end of the two-year period, if Bilbo did not return, all of Bag End and its possessions would be bequeathed to Drogo and any descendant of Drogo’s choosing, direct or otherwise.

Dodging the Sackville-Bagginses on the matter had been hard, as they believed that they ought to be chosen for the role, though Bilbo staunchly believed they were unfit to care for his home.

Knowing them, they’d likely find a way to have him declared dead again within the first six months.

That aside, preparing to leave went smoothly enough. He packed what he could, deciding not to be caught unawares this time around.

Three handkerchiefs.

A cloak.

Warmer clothes and spares.

All while dodging unwanted relatives, explaining to neighbors, and avoiding Dwalin’s dark glare.

At the end of the week, Bilbo handed Drogo the keys.

“Are you sure, Bilbo?” he asked, frowning. “I don’t feel I know what I’m doing.”

“You’ll manage. It won’t be hard, I promise. And you can ask your parents for whatever help you need if you find yourself needing it.”

Drogo nodded. “Take care, Bilbo.”

“And you as well. Don’t let Lobelia cause you mischief.” Drogo managed a smile at that.

“She likely will, but I’m sure I can handle that bitch if nothing else.”

Bilbo grinned. “Indeed, you will. I must be off. I’ll write and let you know my progress.”

“Please do.”

With that, he bid Drogo a final goodbye and mounted a pony, urging it into a gallop after Dwalin and Balin…


	2. Chapter 2

~Six Months Later~

Dis waited outside as a team of healer’s cleaned Thorin and his bedding. After that, they’d funnel broth down his throat, as they did three times a day to ensure he kept eating.

She hated watching this. She opted to leave her brother whatever dignity he may have left and let the healers do their job as effectively as they could.

He hated being perceived as weak.

He wasn’t weak. He never was.

Yet seeing him like this…

She hoped that Balin’s theory was true and that this Hobbit was the key to waking him up.

The doors opened, and the healers left. A couple maids walked by with the laundry – bed sheets and bed clothes. Oin followed them out and bowed to her.

“How is he?”

“The same, my lady,” he replied. “I’ll be back at the noon hour with the funnel.” Dis nodded, allowing Oin to leave and go where he is needed next. Dis entered the room, shutting the door softly behind her.

Thorin did not stir. He had not so much as twitched a finger. She spied the steady rise and fall of his chest, the only testament that he still lived. She sat at the edge of his bed and held his hand.

 _Nadad, please wake up_ , she thought. It was a prayer she uttered nigh daily. Dis kissed his forehead. They’d lost so many. Their grandfather. Their father. Their brother. Her husband.

She didn’t know if she could handle any more loss.

“Fili is meeting with Dain this week,” she said. “The Dwarves of the Iron Hills have just arrived this morning. The range has finished rebuilding and Kili has taken to training new archers.” Dis sighed. “Dwalin and Balin are almost home with the Hobbit. I expect they’ll be back today.”

Not even a twitch.

She was told this would help. Every healer she had brought – Oin, the Elves, even Men – all attested that if those he cared for kept talking to him, he may yet wake.

It was getting to the point of cruel, leaving him like this. It would be better to say their goodbyes and crown Fili officially King under the Mountain.

Balin had begged her to let him bring the Hobbit back and let him try. Dis allowed it reluctantly, knowing that it’d be some time before they returned with the Hobbit.

And that was if they convinced him to return at all.

She moved her hand to smooth his hair, brushing her fingers against the courtship braid. She frowned at it, hating it. She’d take it out for Thorin if not for Fili daring to order her not to do so.

“ _He loved him, Amad. It would be cruel to take it out without his permission. Yes, I know that Bilbo removed his first, but…please, just leave it be.”_

“I know you’d probably be upset to hear me say it,” she said. “But as it is, I cannot bring myself to understand this love you and your foolish nephews have for this Hobbit. After all that you’ve gone through, how can I not but hate him?”

Still nothing.

“Why him, Thorin?” she asked. “I don’t understand. Why would you give yourself to an outsider?”

She didn’t know why she asked any questions knowing she’d never get an answer. Sighing, she picked up the saga she’d been reading him this time. She found her place and began to read.

#

Dwalin sent a runner to alert Fili of their return as Balin led Bilbo to the royal suite.

“Freshen up as much as you like,” he said. “I know you’ll want to rest, so go ahead and do so. We’ll bring you to Thorin in the morning.”

“I think it’d be best if I see him as soon as possible,” Bilbo decided. “Though, to be honest, I still don’t know how exactly I’m supposed to help him wake.”

“Well…I don’t know how wise that will be,” Balin said, scratching his neck. “Her highness likely will be there.”

Bilbo hummed. He could guess that Thorin’s sister didn’t think highly of him. If they blamed him for his condition, then he could see why she would likely despise him.

“I will still go to him. If you’ll show me where he is.”

“And perhaps act as buffer between you and his sister?”

“I already know she doesn’t like me,” he said. “And if she’s anything like Thorin, then…”

“Aye, I understand, laddie. How about you settle in and in a couple hours, I’ll come and get you so you can see him.”

Bilbo nodded.

“Bilbo!” He grunted, getting tackled and hugged. “You’re back!”

“Good to see you, too, Kili. Can you let go, please? I need to breathe.”

Kili let him go and pressed his forehead to his. “It’s good to see you.”

“I thought you’d be one of those who weren’t too keen on my return.”

“Some of us are cross, aye, but I’ve time to come to understand why. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. Have you seen Uncle, yet?”

“I was taking him to a room,” Balin said. “Let him get settled first.”

“Right! That would be wise. Has Fili been told?”

“Dwalin is on it.”

“And Amad?”

“She knows we’ll be back today,” Balin said.

“I’ll handle her,” he promised. “Get her away from Thorin’s bedside for a little while so Bilbo can see him alone. I don’t think it would do if she breathed down his neck the whole time.”

“Aye, that is true.”

Bilbo let them converse to look around. The halls were alit in crystal and candle light. The walls were covered in tapestries to lock in warmth. Kili at last went his way and Bilbo followed him further in.

He stopped at a door as it opened. A servant bowed, speaking rapidly in Khuzdul. Balin replied just as quickly and the Dwarf went on his way.

“Here you are, Bilbo,” he said, easing Bilbo inside. “Go ahead and settle in and I’ll come get you in a couple hours.”

Bilbo thanked him. Balin shut the door, leaving Bilbo alone in the large apartment. He had walked into what seemed to be a parlor room. He set his bag down and went to look around. He found a kitchen, a bathroom, and a bedroom. It wasn’t the size of Bag End, but it would do for someone of his size.

He made note to go to the market and set to making a list of new things he’d need.

Food.

Soap.

New clothes.

And that was just to start.

He didn’t think he’d be here for a year. Likely the Lady Dis wouldn’t give him that much time to try and wake her brother. He’d be shocked if she did.

And he had his doubts.

What if they were wrong?

What if Thorin never woke again?

He decided to see if there was a servant he could talk to and get directions to the market. He opened the door to see Fili.

“Oh!”

“Did I startle you?” Fili asked.

“Not terribly,” Bilbo assured him. “Come in.” And he did, even before Bilbo could finish the invitation. Fili seemed worn out. “Are you all right, Fili?”

“Depends on what you mean by all right,” he said, sitting in one of the chairs. Bilbo joined him, sitting in a chair opposite him. “You left without saying goodbye.”

Bilbo sighed. “I was not in the best of states at that time. I had to leave, and I feared the company would try to stop me.”

“Aye, we would have,” Fili agreed. “Thorin needed you, most of all.”

“After what he did to me, I couldn’t even look at him,” Bilbo snapped, frowning. “He tried to kill me, Fili. I couldn’t stay with him after that. Would you have stayed with a lover that dared to do what your uncle did to me?”

“No, I wouldn’t have. I do not blame you for ending your courtship. I am angry you left without a word, but I cannot hold you accountable for feeling a need to protect yourself. Tell me this, though: do you still feel fear in concern of Thorin?”

Bilbo shook his head. “No. I forgave him some time ago, and I know I was cruel leaving the way I did. In fact, before Balin and Dwalin showed up at my doorstep, I was considering rekindling my friendship with the company. Send some letters, explain my reasons for leaving and why I left without a word. I needed time and now I’ve had it. I never thought breaking my courtship would…”

Fili nodded. “I understand, Bilbo. I do.” He stood, making his way to the door. “I hope you can succeed where my brother, mother, and I could not.”

“So, do I,” Bilbo said. “But, Fili, keep in mind I might not be able to do anything for him.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

#

“Kili has managed to get Lady Dis away for a little bit,” Balin told him. “She’ll be gone the rest of the afternoon, if he’s succeeded.” He stopped outside a door and turned to Bilbo. “I do not know what will happen in there. I do not know if Thorin will wake or at least begin to wake. Just…for now, talk to him as if he were awake and just listening. That’s what we’ve all done, though we do not know if it helps…”

“I’ll do what I can,” Bilbo promised. “Just…please don’t get your hopes up, Balin.”

“I’ll try not to,” he said. “If you need anything, a servant or a guard will be glad to serve.” Bilbo nodded, and opened the door. There were healers within. They stared at him as he made his way to the bedroom. He wished they wouldn’t. The way they looked at him made him nervous. Oin was inside, pulling a funnel out of Thorin’s throat and mouth.

Bilbo did not exchange a word with him. What would he say?

When Oin left, barking orders at the others, Bilbo approached the bed, staring.

Thorin’s hair had lost a little more color, being more silver than before. He had also lost some of the tan he had from his wanderings. His beard had also grown out, now covering his neck, but not so long as to cover his sternum. He bit down whine seeing that the braid he had put in Thorin’s hair had remained.

Why?

Why would they have left it in?

Bilbo sat beside him. “Thorin?”

_I feel like a fool…_

“Thorin, it’s Bilbo. I’m back. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I came back.” He blinked back tears. “Thorin, I’m sorry. I was angry and heartbroken. How could I not be? You tried to kill me. I couldn’t stay after that. You understand that, don’t you?”

He took Thorin’s hand in his.

“I know you were not yourself, but that didn’t matter at the time we saw each other last. I couldn’t even look at you, Thorin. All I saw was the rage and all I felt was fear. I couldn’t stay, even if I still loved you, I couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been good for either of us. I would have always been looking over my shoulder, wondering if you’d snap again. That’s no way to live! And that would be just as cruel to you as it would have been to me. I thought if I left, you might…”

He swallowed. What did he think?

“Well, I certainly didn’t expect you’d be so brokenhearted that you’d fall into a coma. Bit overdramatic, isn’t it?” Bilbo closed his eyes and let his tears trail down his cheeks. “I don’t know what to say to help you wake up,” he said. “Do I say I love you still when I don’t know if I do? In a way, I always will love you. You changed me. I don’t know if I’ve changed for the better, but I certainly am not the same as I was before I met you.”

He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip. “Please, wake up. Your family needs you. Your kingdom needs you.” He sighed. “I…oh…this is pointless!”

He dropped Thorin’s hand and stood.

The hand reached out and seized his wrist. It wasn’t hard or tight, but it was enough for Bilbo to start and back away into the wall.

The hand dropped back to the bed.

Bilbo half thought to shout for a healer to come and examine Thorin again, but…

He approached again, taking the hand in his. The fingers curled around.

Bilbo fell to his knees and kissed the hand.

He was waking.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

The last thing he remembered…

He was in a tent.

Wounded, but he’d heal, eventually.

He was in too much pain to move well.

Bilbo was there, running his hand over the braid of intent he had put in several weeks ago. He told him he would leave.

He begged.

If he could, he’d kneel before his beloved.

He couldn’t. His wounds had left him weak.

Bilbo refused to look at him. He undid the braid and laid his bead on his chest. Then he walked away and out of the tent.

From there, everything went black…

He had his moments of consciousness. He heard his companions. His sister-sons. Even Dain. And then Dis.

He sometimes could feel.

A touch there.

A poke.

Something forced down his throat.

Warm water.

But then he’d drift back into darkness when he remembered Bilbo was gone…

He was regaining consciousness again. He heard Dis. She was telling him…

Something about Fili. And Dain.

Balin and Dwalin.

_I know you’d probably be upset to hear me say it, but as it is, I cannot bring myself to understand this love you and your foolish nephews have for this Hobbit. After all that you’ve gone through, how can I not but hate him?_

He wanted to wake. His body wouldn’t move, but it was able to recognize her voice. Able to recognize her anger and her despair…

He fell into the darkness again…

_Thorin, it’s Bilbo. I’m back. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I came back._

This was a trick.

It had to be a trick.

_Thorin, I’m sorry. I was angry and heartbroken. How could I not be? You tried to kill me. I couldn’t stay after that. You understand that, don’t you?_

He felt a hand take his own, gently squeezing it.

How long had he been asleep?

_I couldn’t stay, even if I still loved you, I couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been good for either of us._

He needed to touch him.

He needed to see him.

He needed to speak to him.

… _I would have always been looking over my shoulder, wondering if you’d snap again. That’s no way to live! And that would be just as cruel to you as it would have been to me. I thought if I left, you might…_

Thorin willed himself to take back control.

He needed to wake up.

_Well, I certainly didn’t expect you’d be so brokenhearted that you’d fall into a coma. Bit overdramatic, isn’t it?_

_I don’t know what to say to help you wake up._

_Do I say I love you still when I don’t know if I do?_

_In a way, I always will love you._

Thorin willed his body to obey.

He needed to let Bilbo know he was awake.

_You changed me. I don’t know if I’ve changed for the better, but I certainly am not the same as I was before I met you._

Bilbo was back.

There was hope.

_Oh, this is pointless!_

The hand holding his dropped.

_**NO!** _

He felt his muscles obey. Felt his bones extend.

His fingers curled around Bilbo’s wrist – and Bilbo pulled away.

_**Come back. Please. I’m awake. I’m waking up. Amrâlimê, don’t leave me in the dark again…** _

Two hands took his hand. He managed to squeeze back. He felt a press of lips to the back of his hand, followed by one to his forehead.

 _I need to get a healer_ , Bilbo said. _I’ll be right back. I promise._

#

Dis returned to the room as a small creature exited, shouting at a guard to fetch a healer. She guessed this was the Hobbit.

He was of a height with most Dwarves.

His hair was short, barely coming down to the base of his neck in bronze curls. Pointed ears poked between the hair.

Her eyes drew to his feet. They were the size of a Man’s and covered with bronze hair that matched the shade of his hair.

She looked up at him and cleared her throat.

The Hobbit spun to face her.

His hazel blue eyes widened slightly as they met each other’s gaze.

“So,” she began, trying to restrain the need to sneer. “You are the hobbit.”

“I am,” he greeted. He bowed. “Bilbo Baggins, at your service, Lady Dis.”

“How is my brother? Still the same?”

“No,” he admitted. He straightened his spine and met her gaze. “He’s waking up.”

Dis’ eyebrows shot up toward her hairline.

“I’m just as surprised. I had not hoped for any…”

“Master Baggins,” she said. “If you are lying to me…”

“I would not lie to you,” he snapped back, meeting her glare for glare. “He grabbed my arm. He isn’t wholly conscious yet, but he is starting to wake up.”

He let her enter the room and followed her back inside. Dis sat beside her brother and took his hand in her own.

“Nadad?” she whispered.

His hand squeezed hers and she exhaled shakily. She pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I’ll be outside,” Bilbo told her, making a retreat. She did not dare to stop him.

She kissed Thorin’s hand, trying not to cry. The healers would be back soon, and she didn’t want them to see her tears. She stayed by his side a few minutes more.

“He’s got some nerve,” she said. “Your Hobbit. I don’t like him, still, but if you really are waking, Nadad, I may yet see what you and my sons do in him.”

That was all she could hope for regarding any sort of relationship with Bilbo, if there was any chance of a relationship of any sort.

Oin entered, ordering her and Bilbo out so he could examine Thorin. Back in the hallway, Bilbo shifted from foot to foot, nervous and awkward, as they waited.

“You are not required to stay,” Dis said.

Bilbo hummed. “In the hallway or in Erebor?”

Dis arched a brow at him. “Master Baggins, I will be honest with you. Given my brother’s current state over the last two years, I cannot say that I am particularly fond of you at all. If your presence in Erebor was left to me, I would have cast you out as soon as I could. As it is, I am not the regent in Thorin’s place. Fili is. So, your continued residence in Erebor is out of my hands.”

“I did not come to Erebor thinking you liked me in any degree,” Bilbo replied. “Granted, ‘not fond’ is significantly better than what I expected, my lady. I thought you loathed me enough that it was considered best if you and I never crossed paths. Your sons, Balin, and Dwalin thought that would be best if we never met. I think they were all afraid you might decide to hew me in half.”

“I am not so cruel as that. They thought you could help. I didn’t believe them, but we were at our wits end. If you were unsuccessful, we were going to let Thorin pass to the halls of our ancestors. I had feared making that decision and I am glad that I won’t have to now.”

Bilbo sighed. “I never thought this would happen, Lady Dis. I don’t suppose you know why I left.”

“The Arkenstone,” she said. “I was told you stole it from Thorin and gave it to the Men of Dale and the Elves of the Greenwood…well, Mirkwood. Though they would not like to call it that. My understanding is that it was done to attempt forcing Thorin’s hand and jolt him into being reasonable with our allies.”

“You know some of it, then,” Bilbo said. “Thorin tried to kill me instead. He was going to toss me from the battlement. Tell me, my lady, what would you have done if you were me? Could you forgive your husband for threatening your life? Would you be able to stay with him?

“Sure, I could have stayed, but if I stayed, I would never know what version of him waited behind every corner. I would not have been able to love him as I used to. Our relationship will always have that stain. I know he was ill, then. I know it wasn’t the Dwarf I loved that threatened me, but some sort of…shade that wore his face, had his voice…

“If I stayed, I would not have been able to love him as I had before. I needed to leave. I needed to go where I wouldn’t be afraid to leave my own house. I owed it to myself to feel safe and I thought that he’d be able to move on. Forget me and find someone who he could trust.

“I’m sorry that this is what happened by my leaving. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him. I did. I still do. But can you understand why I left? Knowing what had almost happened? If he wakes…I’ll stay till then, but once he’s awake and we don’t have to be afraid of him going into a coma again, you won’t have to worry about me. I’ll go back West after that.”

Dis listened to his explanation in silence.

Why hadn’t anyone told her that? They never told her Thorin tried to kill him!

“No, I do not blame you for leaving. I was not told that Thorin had done that to you. I don’t know why they decided to withhold that information from me, and I will not presume to know why. Now that I do know, you are correct: I would not have stayed with my husband if I was in your place. Furthermore, I know Thorin would have killed him if he had ever dared.

“What I can say is this: my brother does not easily give someone his love. He would not have dared to hurt you in his right mind. Knowing what he wrought in his madness…it’s hard to see. I’ve known Thorin my whole life, so it’s hard to think of him threatening someone he loves like that. If that is what happened, then I am amazed you could return at all.”

Bilbo nodded. “Perhaps it was best if Thorin and I never met. I don’t know if he would feel the same, but I certainly thought that for some time. And at the same time, I don’t know if I would like who I would become if I never met him. Whatever you may think of me, my lady, I did love him.”

Oin and his team stepped out, he was grinning.

“His majesty is waking. It won’t be too much longer now. He will have trouble moving for a while once fully awake, but I think we can hope for a full recovery.”

Dis nodded, still wanting to appear unflappable in front of her brother’s subjects. “Excellent,” she said. “Is it all right for us to go back inside or have you more tests you wish to run?”

“No, no,” Oin assured her. “My tests are done for now. And I think it’d be best if he wasn’t left alone until we know more. Though, I was thinking, my lady, perhaps you should let his highness know. I think Prince Fili would like to know that the king is waking. As would Lord Dain.”

Dis arched a brow at that and frowned. She also ignored the wink Oin sent to Bilbo.

“If you insist,” she said. “But I do not want the Hobbit with him alone.”

Bilbo stared at her, a little shocked. She might understand why he left to begin with and why he ended his courtship with Thorin, but she still didn’t like him and was still far too reluctant to trust him.

“My apprentice will stay behind, then,” Oin promised.

“Very well.”


	4. Chapter 4

Once a week, the companions of Thorin Oakenshield’s Company would meet at either Bombur’s restaurant or Dori’s tea shop. This week, they met at the tea shop at one of the long tables where large parties would meet.

Fili and Kili were usually too busy with their duties as princes to attend, but Balin always kept them informed and relayed their own thoughts to the others.

Now that their king was starting to wake, Dori had thought it a good idea to plan a small get together with everyone. Most of the Mountain was in the wake of celebrating the king’s revival.

The only problem:

Bilbo.

What would happen after Thorin woke? Would he leave again?

They all cared for their Hobbit, of course, and understood why he left the way he had. He had every right to break his courtship with Thorin after all that happened between them.

Many, whether Dwarf or not, broke courtships for less.

Dori knitted as the group debated how best to convince Bilbo to at least stay permanently. Lady Dis had no love for Bilbo, so that would be a problem in finding a way to convince him.

Dori kept it to himself that if it had been one of his brothers in Thorin’s place, he probably would have hated Bilbo, too. They wouldn’t want to hear that.

He was rather protective of his younger brothers, though.

Nori was always the sort to get into a scrap, so while he and Dori never really got along…well, Nori was his brother. Not his baby brother, but still.

Ori, though, was the quiet one. Cautious and gentle. Unassuming. Lad was stronger and fiercer than he let on. Eager for glory, as a youth was.

Dori and Nori both agreed that he needed to be watched, though he was getting to an age where he wasn’t going to need either of his brothers watching out for him anymore.

“What did Bilbo do back in the Shire?” Bofur asked. “He could continue it here.”

“Bilbo’s a lord,” Balin said. “Though I think Hobbits value these things differently.”

“A lord?!” Gloin barked. “Never would’ve thought!”

“Again, Hobbits value it differently. He likely wouldn’t go around calling himself that.”

“No, he wouldn’t,” Dwalin agreed. “He’s scholarly-type. Might like it in the library or on the council.”

“Lady Dis might not take kindly to him on the council,” Ori said sadly. “Which is too bad, he’d do well there, I think. I could try to see if there’s a way to get him a job at the library, but given he’s not a Dwarf and most of our tomes are in Khuzdul…”

That would be a problem.

Without Thorin’s permission, and the permission of the other Six Dwarf Lords – the descendants of the Seven who were first crafted by Mahal – he wouldn’t be allowed to learn Khuzdul.

“What about the texts we have that are _not_ in Khuzdul?” Balin asked. “He’s fluent in Sindarin and Quenya, isn’t he? He could translate those for us into Common, and another could translate it into Khuzdul. He could also give us a vast library of Hobbit culture. I think they’ve only gotten a couple very out of date books in Rivendell.”

“One thirteenth of the gold in the treasury is his,” Gloin reminded them. “If he never wanted to work again, he certainly could. Most of us only work now because we’d be climbing the walls with boredom if we didn’t do something.”

Dori sipped his tea.

“Perhaps we should talk to Bilbo about it,” Bofur asked. “Have a party for him to welcome him back, of course, with plenty of food and drink. It’d be a way to loosen him up a bit and ask him what he wants to do while he’s here.”

“It could be at Bombur’s,” Oin said.

“I think Bilbo would prefer it here,” Nori pointed out. “Hobbits, you know, love their tea. Make it stuffily appropriate for him. Dori would be in his element, too.”

Dori glared at him. “I’m not that bad.”

Nori and Ori burst into unrestrained laughter.

“You _are_ that bad!” Ori shouted.

Nori was laughing too hard to respond, wiping his eyes of tears. “Whoo! That’s a good joke, Dori!”

 _Well, that’s little brothers for you_ , Dori thought.

“I do like the idea of having a party for him,” Balin said. “And seeing what he thinks. Most of us haven’t seen him. I think it’s just the princes, myself, Dwalin, and Oin who have seen him so far.”

“What?” Oin asked, pointing his ear trumpet toward Balin.

“Never you mind, brother,” Gloin said, patting his shoulder.

Oin shrugged and went back to his cake.

“I agree with Balin and Bofur but would prefer it at Bombur’s,” Gloin continued. “Make it a proper dinner party, you know. Not a tea time thing with these fragile little things.” He held up his tea cup.

“Oi, those are porcelain!” Dori shouted. “Be careful with them!”

“How often do they need to be replaced?” Gloin asked with an arched brow.

Well, he had a point.

“Fine, with that in mind, and knowing this lot, Bombur’s would be more appropriate.”

“Well, that’s agreed, then,” Balin said, taking note of the location they’d have their welcome-back-party for Bilbo. “Now when and what time.”

“Dinner time, of course.”

“But Hobbits have _two_ dinners. One in the early evening and another that’s two or three hours before ten at night,” Ori said. “So, we have to be sure which one we mean.”

Ah.

Good point.

“First dinner?” Bofur asked.

“Is that what it’s called?” Dwalin asked.

“Whatever Hobbits call the earlier dinner will do, I think. That way we all have food and we don’t have to worry about being too late for work in the morning,” Dori said.

The others glared at him.

Of course, he would mention work the next day.

“So…five o’clock at Bombur’s,” Balin said, redirecting their attention. “Preferably on a day where we won’t have to work the next day.”

“Friday!” several voices called out.

Balin looked around to make sure that worked for everyone before writing it down.

“Friday, five o’clock, at Bombur’s restaurant,” he concluded. “I’ll let Bilbo know.”

“Oi! Why does it have to be you?!”

“Most of us haven’t seen him yet!”

“Everyone’s going to see him on Friday. That’s three days from now so quit your whining,” Dwalin pointed out before they got too rowdy. Balin nodded at him in thanks.

“Bilbo also needs to get finished settling in,” Balin reminded him. “Let him get a little more comfortable in his new home before we barge in on his peace.”

Dori couldn’t say no to that. Bilbo likely was already having a hard time as it was, given the royal family. He hoped not too hard, though.

#

Ori could usually be found in the library.

It was his sanctuary, so for it to be his profession as well suited him. He was most comfortable around books and scrolls.

Dwalin didn’t think he’d ever get used to that, but that was what made Ori happiest.

What made Ori happy made him happy, so he couldn’t complain if he spent more time in the library than was usual for him.

The library would be closing soon, though, and sometimes Ori lost track of time. And when he lost track of time, Dwalin knew that he’d likely get locked in before realizing it and would have to camp out there again. The library wasn’t the most comfortable place.

He found Ori returning a stack of tomes to their proper place. He wrapped his arms around the smaller Dwarf’s waist and kissed his neck.

“You’re distracting me again.”

“Time to go home, _amrâlimê_.”

“Is it?” Ori glanced around, searching for the clock. He hummed, realizing Dwalin was right. “So it is. Just let me finish this up and we can go. Shouldn’t be too long.”

Dwalin kissed him again and released him, letting Ori complete his task and get his satchel.

Dwalin propped his feet on the table as he waited, picking dirt from under his finger nails. His boots were swatted with Ori’s satchel.

“Are you trying to get kicked out?” Ori hissed.

He’d be louder if they weren’t in the library.

Dwalin shrugged. “We need to leave soon anyway.” Ori pulled him out of the chair.

“And we are leaving, but must you put your dirty feet on the tables?”

“My feet are fine,” Dwalin pointed out. “My boots are what’s dirty.”

“I’ve smelled your feet,” Ori stated. “They reek. So, whether they are bound in your boots or not, they are dirty.”

“They’re not that stinky…”

“I’m gagging even thinking about it,” Ori said, grinning at him.

Dwalin glowered at Ori.

“I love you, stinky feet and all.”

“Sure, you do.”

Ori kissed his cheek. “I swear I’m only teasing, _amrâlimê._ Promise. You don’t smell as bad as you might think.” Dwalin opened the library’s door for them. Once in the hallway, he wrapped his arm around Ori’s shoulders, pulling him close.

“You’re annoying, you know.”

“Yet you love me anyway,” Ori replied, beaming up at him. “Good thing, too. I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.”

Dwalin didn’t even like to think of what would happen if he lost Ori. He didn’t think he’d fall into a coma as Thorin had.

Thorin’s situation was unique in that sense. Having gone into a coma for actual physical injuries and then refusing to wake because his One was not there with him.

Never did anything by halves, Thorin. Nope. Never.

Even so, he’d not be the same without Ori by his side. It wasn’t right knowing Ori feared the same, even if he admitted it in a way that seemed lighthearted. He was the younger of them. He had a whole life still to live.

Sometimes Dwalin thought he was holding Ori back.

(Dori and Nori certainly thought so…)

He wanted to reassure Ori that he wouldn’t lose him. Except he couldn’t make that promise.

He was a warrior.

A soldier.

It was his duty and his calling to fight for his king.

To protect the royal family, even if it cost him his life.

Instead of making a promise he knew he couldn’t keep, Dwalin kissed Ori.

“I don’t smell that bad,” he growled.

“Damn it, Dwalin, let it go!” Ori laughed, wiggling out of Dwalin’s embrace, jogging a couple steps away and staying just out of reach. “I really was just teasing. I like your scent. Really.”

“Fine. I’ll drop it.”

“Good. Now, let’s go home.”


	5. Chapter 5

Gloin found Gimli on the training field.

Lad was getting better and stronger each day. Some thought he might take Dwalin’s place someday, but Gloin wasn’t so sure. His lad was strong, but Dwalin wasn’t likely to retire any time soon.

Fili knocked Gimli to his feet, pressing the blade against his cousin’s neck.

Gimli glowered at him but yielded all the same.

Fili sheathed his blade and helped Gimli up, giving him a couple pointers in how to improve, latching his arm around Gimli’s neck playfully.

“Fili, stop!”

“Never,” Fili said, rubbing his knuckles over Gimli’s head.

Gimli pulled free and fixed his mused hair, glowering darkly at the prince. Likely he’d love nothing more than to knock Fili off his feet and pummel him to the ground, but rank stayed his hand.

Fili grinned at Gloin. “How was tea?”

“Well,” he said. “You’ll get more details from Balin, later.”

“I’ll be sure to see him, then,” he said.

Gimli stood by Gloin, arms crossed sullenly over his chest as they conversed.

He was still sour from being left out of the quest two years ago unlike his age mates.

Not that one could really call Ori and the sons of Dis his age mates. They all had at least a decade on him, and all had reached their age coming.

Still, there were some sour feelings left from him staying behind. It wasn’t like he was the only youth forced to stay home with his mother.

Bombur’s eldest was a little older than Gimli and had to stay behind as well.

“Make sure Kili’s aware, too. He’ll be cross at being left out. Don’t scoff, Gimli. This isn’t a quest or adventure. It’s a dinner party. So long as you act your age you can come, too.”

“I act my age!” Gimli declared, affronted.

Gloin arched a brow at that. He’d believe it when he saw it. He loved the lad dearly, but Gimli sometimes was a volatile spirit and prone to rages.

Kara blamed Gloin for that, saying that Durin blood ran hotter than wild fire.

“We should go before Kara decides to come looking for us both,” Gloin said.

“Give her my greetings. Same time tomorrow, Gimli.”

“I’ll be there, Fili.”

Gloin cleared his throat. Gimli rolled his eyes.

“I mean, _my lord_.”

“I’m sorry he makes you say that. It doesn’t feel right between kin.”

“Yet what would your uncle expect?” Gloin asked.

“That’s different and you know it!” Fili snapped.

“Keep telling yourself that, lad. Gimli.”

Gimli bowed to Fili before following Gloin out of the training fields. “So…I can meet the Halfling?”

“Hobbit,” Gloin corrected. “And yes. This weekend the company will have a dinner. So long as you behave yourself, I don’t see any reason not to exclude you, but I am warning you: one more explosion…”

“One time! Fifteen years ago! Will you let it go?!”

“You almost burned down the entire market. It could have destroyed all of Ered Luin!”

“With Kili and Fili. It was their idea.”

“I don’t care whose idea it was in the first place. It was stupid and I remain embarrassed by your participation in it.”

“I’m willing to get over it and let bygones be bygones. You’re the one who keeps bringing it up, Adad,” Gimli said.

Gloin would retaliate, but on further thought he realized Gimli was right.

It was the stupidest thing his son had ever done.

He wasn’t a fool by nature, but in the spirit of wanting to be included he might have done things by Fili’s and Kili’s urging that he, normally, wouldn’t have dared attempt.

Granted, Gimli did have a…

How did Kili put it?

A “Little shit” tendency.

Sometimes he’d do things that were only funny to him but annoying to others. Gloin hoped Gimli would grow out of that before he came of age, but somehow, he guessed that would be hopeful thinking.

At least Gimli would never _not_ be entertained.

#

Bombur made a list of what he could make for the upcoming party.

Knowing the company, it’d be best to keep it light on the vegetables, heavy on the meat and carbs. Plenty of ale and beer to go around. Sweets for dessert afterward. And tea.

Though he supposed the sweets and the tea were more Dori’s forte anyway. He wasn’t against working with the other chef among the company.

Bombur wasn’t a Dwarf of many words, but he was an excellent observer. And while he wasn’t one to speak it, he did have his own opinion to what had transpired between Bilbo and Thorin.

After much thought, he supposed Bilbo had only meant to distance himself for a little while. Given all that had happened what with Thorin’s gold madness…

Yes, he understood Bilbo’s need to separate from the situation he and Thorin had gotten themselves into. At the same time, he did think Bilbo was too hasty in leaving Thorin as he had.

They didn’t know if the King would have survived, after all.

Still what could they do but hope Thorin would wake someday.

And soon.

He was waking up.

All who lived in Erebor knew that now.

But what would happen once he did?

Would Bilbo leave again?

Or would he stay, just to be certain Thorin never slipped into a coma again?

Whatever choice Bilbo made, Bombur already decided to support. He missed Bilbo. He hadn’t a friend here that really understood his love for food – both in the preparation and in the consumption.

“Bombur, catch!”

He turned in time to see a cracker flying at him. He caught it and arched a brow at Bofur. “Don’t you think we’re getting too old for that?”

Bofur slapped his chest, faking injury. “Oof! Bifur! Help! Bombur’s thinking!”

Yep. That’s his brother. The joker.

“What would you think of a ham dinner for the party?” he asked instead. “Or should we go for steak?”

“Ooh…steak or ham? You’re asking _me_ if I think we’d all rather have steak or ham?”

“Well I certainly can’t choose.”

“Ham,” Bifur said, “That’s my vote.”

Bombur nodded, deciding ham was as good as anything. Glazed in honey sauce. With a side of baby potatoes fried in butter and garlic. And cooked green beans and asparagus on the side…

“Thanks, Cousin,” Bombur said, making some notes on what would work. “You are better help than Bofur is any day.”

Bifur laughed and Bofur complained.

Since getting his axe removed, Bifur’s ability to speak Common returned. Of course, Oin constantly looked at him in case things started to go wrong. It was a worry when the axe came out.

More so after the battle.

But as it is, Bifur seemed to be doing better without it and the scar had healed nicely enough. There were a couple times early on where he acted as if the axe had never come out.

Almost as if he had forgotten he didn’t have it anymore.

Still, those moments were few and he was certainly happier without it.

“How about chocolate for after,” Bofur said. “Everyone likes chocolate.”

Actually, there were a few – a strange, select few – who did not enjoy it. Some thought it too bitter, but Bombur knew how to mix the cocoa and the sugar enough to make it just sweet enough to be enjoyable.

“Cake,” Bombur decided. “Chocolate cake with strawberry filling. And chocolate frosting.”

“Ooh, now I’m getting hungry.”

“I think Dori has a fruity tea that would be a good pairing for that,” Bombur added.

“The genius is at work,” Bofur declared.

Bombur beamed at him. “I’ve lots to do for that dinner, I’ll have you know. So do me a favor and get these from the market.” He handed Bofur the list.

“Why me?” Bofur whined.

“I’ve got a kitchen to clean and a fire to build up, Bofur.”

“Just do it,” Bifur snapped at him. “As you said: the genius is at work.”

#

Most thought that Kili was the more foolish one of the company of Thorin Oakenshield. That was true, but he liked to think he had his moments where his foolishness seemed rather clever. Most of the time, his antics would brighten up Thorin’s day, bringing a smile to his usually somber uncle’s face.

And in those moments, everything would be all right.

“You and Thorin are more like father and son than uncle and nephew,” his mother complained more than once. “Which, given I’m quite certain you came out of my womb, lad, makes me worry.”

“Then stop saying that!” Thorin had snapped. “I think I’d know if I ever dared go near you like that. Adad would have tanned my hide if I was lucky and I think I’d have gauged my eyes out. You’re hideous.”

Amad would smack him then, but they’d be smirking at each other in a way that suggested they were only jesting. Some supposed that Fili and Kili were too immature. Given how their mother and Thorin interacted, they thought they were far more mature than they were given credit for.

When they met Bilbo that night in the Shire, he knew that he was his Uncle’s One. He had seen joy, admiration, pride, sorrow, and anger on his uncle’s face many times in his life. He had never seen Thorin look at anyone the way he looked at Bilbo.

Kili had took to observing Thorin when he was around Bilbo. Which was constant throughout the journey. As though he was almost hovering. Bilbo might’ve translated Thorin’s outbursts for anger or hate, but Kili knew it was worry.

When they thought Bilbo had left or died in the Goblin Tunnels, Thorin’s outburst was less his true thoughts and more a lie he was telling himself. Bilbo wasn’t the sort to abandon them. Perhaps attempting to convince himself that he _was_ , was Thorin’s way of forcing himself to move onward.

When they stood on the Carrock, Kili had long figured out that Thorin was in love. He liked Bilbo enough and knew he’d like to see his uncle happy. And Bilbo made him happier than Kili had ever seen Thorin.

When they started courting, Kili had rejoiced. Thorin wasn’t as tense or as strict with any of them. Still demanding order, of course. Kili knew that the quest was perilous and that Thorin felt tremendous pressure to keep everyone alive as well as get them to the mountain.

Kili knew he hadn’t been much help at times.

The trolls. That was stupid. He and Fili wanted to prove themselves. They still wanted to prove themselves to their Uncle. They wanted to be the heirs the Sons of Durin deserved…

Now?

Well, when they woke from their comas two months after the battle to find that Thorin still slept, though he was healed enough to wake…

Kili had been afraid. He hid it, but he had been afraid the whole two years since his Uncle fell into his coma. And even though Thorin was waking up at last, he was still afraid.

He needed to convince Bilbo to stay and forgive Thorin. He didn’t know what he’d do if Thorin woke only to find that Bilbo would not stay. He’d be heartbroken all over again and if that happened, Thorin might fall into a coma again and then he might not wake up.

All this he laid bare before his uncle, still trapped in his sleep. Kili knew he was listening. His eyes shifted under his shut eyelids and his hand squeezed Kili’s. He groaned, as though he wanted to speak.

“I just don’t know what to do to convince Bilbo to stay after you wake up. Or how I’m going to convince Amad to let him stay,” he said. Thorin’s finger twitched in his grasp. Kili looked at his face, checking to see if there’s any more change.

He grinned. Thorin was blinking, staring at the ceiling.


	6. Chapter 6

Three days ago, Thorin woke. He was laying on his back, staring at the high stone ceiling. Crystals shone with candlelight to brighten the room.

Kili peered over him.

“Uncle?”

He had tried to speak, but all he could manage was something akin to a gasping wheeze. It was enough for Kili, though, who promised to return.

From there, Oin had a merry old time poking and prodding him.

His voice was hoarse from his time comatose, yet, though quite heavy, he could manage to lift his arms and get his point across in Iglishmek when his throat ached from overuse.

He could not walk yet. Oin was coming up with ways to help him regain his strength as he focused on at least being able to sit up and eat by himself.

Dis would help him get comfortable, propping pillows up behind him for support.

“At least we don’t have to force feed you now,” Dis said the morning of the third day.

That was true, but Thorin just rolled his eyes as he ate a light broth with bread to strengthen his jaws.

“Would you like me to take this out?”

“What?” he asked, voice raspy and barely above a whisper.

“The courting braid,” she clarified. “Your Hobbit broke off your relationship, so it would be remiss to leave it in.”

True.

Thorin reached for it, feeling the weave and the bead holding it in place.

“ _I can’t stay where I am not safe!” Bilbo shouted, pulling the courtship bead free. “I’m sorry, Thorin, but you tried to kill me. How can I believe a word you say?”_

_Bilbo placed the bead on Thorin’s sternum._

“ _Keep it. Give it to someone who you won’t feel a need to threaten.”_

“Where is he?”

“Who? The Hobbit?”

“Yes. He is still here, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Dis said. Thorin ignored how she seemed to snarl at the mere mention of Bilbo. “He’s still here. I take it you want to see him.”

Want? Well, yes. He wanted to, but more than that, he needed to. Still, he left it at a nod and let her send a guard to bring him.

“I want you to leave,” he enunciated.

Dis frowned. “I’m not leaving him alone with you.”

“I am the one who hurt him. He won’t do anything to me.”

“He’s the reason you’d been in a coma for two years!” she shouted. He glared at her, unimpressed. “I don’t like him, Thorin. How can I when he broke your heart? You almost died because of him.”

“There were many days in my life where I ‘almost died,’” he reminded her. “Bilbo is blameless in what led to my coma. No one could have guessed that my body would treat my heartache as if it were a physical ailment. Least of all myself. I would never have thought it possible until now. I want to talk to him, and I will do so _alone_.”

Dis huffed and seemed as though she’d like nothing more than to retaliate. When Bilbo arrived, she strode out of the room angrily.

“Forgive her,” Thorin said. “She doesn’t know you well enough to judge you.”

“I know she’s protective of you and her sons,” Bilbo said. “So, given what happened to you, I don’t blame her for being cross or cold with me. But I don’t think you asked me here to discuss your sister’s attitude, Thorin.”

He nodded, staring at his hands. Hands he had used to drag Bilbo to rampart, intending to throw him over. Thorin sighed.

“I need to apologize properly, if nothing else,” he said. “I know I have wronged you that day. Madness or not, I should never have…I love you, Bilbo, with all that I am. I was weak. I had hoped to be stronger than my grandfather, but even then…even then I can’t…I don’t think that he’d ever harm his One, my grandmother, no matter how far he fell into his madness. You had every right and reason to break our courtship after I tried to kill you.”

Bilbo sat on the end of the bed, by Thorin’s knees.

“I have apologies to make, as well. I never wanted you to go into a coma and I am sorry for my part in that. I don’t know if my leaving you had played a part in it or not. Balin seems to think so, but to be honest, I don’t think we’ll ever know for sure. I do know this: I needed time away after what you did to me during your madness.”

Thorin chilled. “I don’t recall much. I remember…being obsessed with you. More than before. Did I…” he swallowed. “Did I assault you? In a sexual manner, I mean.”

“No,” Bilbo said. “You were rougher with me, in a way, but you never attempted to hurt me. Except for that. I can’t deny that you scared me, in that time. I mean…quests aren’t exactly compatible for courtships of any sort. And couples have broken a courtship for less. If I stayed with you after what happened, well…I would never be sure if I really did love you or if I was under the thrall of captive’s sickness or if I was staying because I was afraid of you as I would never know what version of you I’d come home to.”

“You didn’t feel safe with me,” Thorin said. “I remember you said that.”

“I did. I loved you, but I needed to protect myself.”

“I understand that, I do. I don’t blame you for leaving me, knowing that. Even if you forgive me, I can’t forgive myself. I love you, yet I hurt you, so…”

Thorin clutched his throat, swallowing. Bilbo stood and poured a glass of water for him.

“Here. Drink. We can talk later, all right? Focus on getting better for now. I won’t be leaving Erebor yet, so everything we need to get off our chests will get their chance.”

Thorin took the glass and sipped carefully, so not to accidentally choke himself.

“I’m sure the rest of the company will visit soon enough,” Bilbo said. “Everyone’s worried about you, Thorin, and glad that you’re awake.”

“I would like to see them, too,” Thorin said. He took another sip, hating how dry his throat felt.

Bilbo reached into his pocket and stared at his watch.

“I’m meeting the others for dinner, so I should get going soon, but I’ll let them know you’re well and would like to see them.”

Thorin nodded. “Would you come back tomorrow?” he asked.

“Of course,” Bilbo said. He stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that, he left. Thorin knew he wasn’t walking out of his life again.

Yet…

 _Please forgive me, Ghivashel_ , he wanted to shout.

He wished his legs would obey him, follow Bilbo, wrap him in his arms and never let go.

#

“I’ll arrange it, Laddie,” Balin promised, patting Bilbo’s shoulder. “Anything else I should know?”

“Oh, uh, well, he does want me to visit him again tomorrow and I said I would, but I don’t know when I’ll have time or if Lady Dis will allow it.”

“You’ll go,” Fili said, “And Kili and I can handle our mother.”

“She’s a meeting with the weaver’s guild at eleven,” Kili added. “She’ll be there for a couple hours. Plenty of time for you to see Thorin.”

“Granted, he might want longer than that,” Fili pointed out.

“True…”

Bilbo sighed.

“I don’t think I can do more than a little bit at a time right now,” he admitted. “I wish I could say otherwise, but to be honest, being near him again almost hurts. I know it’s him, but I still…”

He massaged his neck.

“Are you still afraid of him?” Kili asked. “Because that was just the gold madness, Bilbo. He’d never really hurt anyone he loves.”

“He tried to kill me, Kili,” Bilbo reminded him. “That’s not something anyone can easily overcome. No matter how much they loved their attacker beforehand. Or the reason behind it.”

The brothers exchanged a glance.

“That’s true,” Fili said.

“But at the same time, Uncle wasn’t himself. I mean, I get why you had to leave, Bilbo, and I accept that, but…well…you’re his One. No one will blame him for what he did to you more than himself.”

“I don’t know, Lads…”

“Bilbo, do you know what a One is for a Dwarf?” Balin asked, leaning on the table.

Bilbo shook his head and Balin motioned him to look around the table.

“Dwalin and Ori,” he said. “Are One. At one glance, a Dwarf might think them completely unsuited for each other. The age difference worries some people, too, but in the end, it’s no one’s decision but their own. They’ve made it work.

“Dwalin is battle hardened, but Ori makes him more aware of his strength. And Ori, soft-spoken librarian and scribe, is stronger and braver because Dwalin makes him want to be strong and brave. You recall Gloin’s wife, aye?”

“I do.”

“Do you think they don’t have their own issues? They’ve been together for decades, nearly a century now. They have their fights, you know, but that doesn’t stop Gloin from adoring her. He’s a family man, even if he doesn’t seem it sometimes. He loves that woman and would die for her. He’d cut off his own hands if he even thought to hurt her.”

Bilbo looked at Balin again.

“What does this have anything to do with me and Thorin?”

“You’re his One. The only person Thorin will ever love in a romantic way. You might not want him anymore. You might not trust him as you used to. You might never love him as you used to, but for him, you’re it. You’re all there will be for him. He’d die for you. He’d kill for you. He’d do whatever it took to make you happy.

“When a Dwarf calls you his One, you have his loyalty and his devotion for the rest of his days.”

“That’s not fair,” Bilbo concluded. “Not to me or to him.”

“That’s how we love,” Balin said. “And he loves you with everything that is in him. I know that it’s not been easy for you and him. You began courting at the worst possible time and it exploded in your faces. The madness didn’t help. The Arkenstone, definitely, didn’t help. Still, you’re his One. And you came back. Thorin will do whatever it takes to be worthy of you again, even if it means abdicating the throne.”

“Ugh, don’t say that,” Fili groaned.

“You’ve done well enough and I think you’ll do just fine as king,” Balin said, patting Fili’s shoulder.

“I don’t wanna be king yet…can’t I have at least another fifty years to be an idiot?”


	7. Chapter 7

Bilbo spent the night revisiting what Balin told him at dinner.

It hurt to think that Thorin would love no one else.

 _You are my home_ is what Thorin said the day Bilbo left. _There is no one else for me, Bilbo. It’s you. It’s always been you and always will be._

So that was what he meant.

This concept of a Dwarf’s One.

If anything, that made what transpired between them on the parapets worse.

Bilbo poured himself another glass of wine, wondering what he was going to do. He knew a part of him would always love Thorin. But after everything…

It wasn’t fair. Not at all. Not to him and certainly not to Thorin.

What if Thorin fell to the madness again? Would he be obsessed with Bilbo again? Would he try to kill him again?

There were too many “what ifs.”

He could befriend him again, certainly, but love him? After everything? Bilbo didn’t know. He wanted to say yes. He knew so many people would want him to say yes.

He set his glass down and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 _Oh, you are such a fool, Bilbo Baggins_ , he thought.

#

“I want to walk again,” Thorin groused.

“Yes, well, give it time,” Balin said patiently. “Patience is key here, Thorin. And you’ve made remarkable strides in your recovery all ready. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished so far.”

He knew Balin was right, even if he hated the truth of it all.

“Has Bilbo spoken to you recently?”

“Yes,” Balin assured him. “I’m working on a way to coordinate everyone so we can all visit you. Unless you feel up to going down to the lower levels for dinner at Bombur’s or tea at Dori’s.”

Thorin thought on that. “One day, certainly, but not…now. I fear that I’m still too weak.” He glared at his legs, wanting to curse them for their dormancy.

“Thorin, you will get better. And you’ll regain your strength. This is just another trial you’re bound to go through,” Balin assured him. “You have always been strong in the face of adversity. This is no different.”

“I know,” Thorin sighed. It did help to remind him that he’d survived so much in his life. “It’s still frustrating.”

“I’ve no doubt. I take it you’ll want to get back to work soon. I dare say, Fili would be glad for the reprieve.” They exchanged knowing smiles.

“I hear he did well.”

Balin scoffed. “Well? He did well? He is a natural at it. More than you’ve ever been. Then again, he’s always had a calmer temper than you. If you were to abdicate or die, Erebor will be in good hands.”

“I might,” Thorin sighed. “I hadn’t been much of a king since we returned to the Mountain.”

Gold madness. Then comatose for nearly two years. Erebor’s current prosperity was not his doing. It was all Fili’s.

“And how does Fili feel about it?”

“Overwhelmed,” Balin said. “Not unlike how you were when you started. You were prone to explode often when your rule began.”

“I was in my sixties when my rule began,” Thorin said. “I think I was liable to, as you say, explode. I was perhaps more overwhelmed than Fili feels. More to worry about, I suppose.”

“You were still a child, Thorin. You did what you could, and you succeeded.”

“Then why do I feel like I’ve failed everyone?”

“Because you’ve always been too hard on yourself,” Balin said. “Thorin, you brought us back to Erebor. Before then, you made the bad rock of Ered Luin inhabitable. You led us through the wilderness, and we survived our nomadic years because you stepped up. Yes, you were a child. But no one else could have done better. If anyone deserves retirement, it is certainly you. Perhaps go to the Shire. It’s a good place to settle down and relax, I take it.”

Thorin chuckled. The Shire. Bilbo’s home. He could see it. A future with his One. A life of peace and plenty where he didn’t have to fight anymore. A home where he could be free of his crown. Where he could have a future with Bilbo.

“I agree. But first things first. I need to get better,” he said, motioning at his legs. “And after that, I have to rebuild what was broken between me and Bilbo. If he will let me, that is.”

“I think he will,” Balin said. “He cares for you, even if he is wary now.”

“Wary of a cripple,” Thorin scoffed. “I have royally fucked up when I was sick, didn’t I?”

“He came back, didn’t he? Perhaps that is just the romantic in me, but I find that to be quite hopeful,” Balin assured him, patting Thorin’s knee. “Bilbo loves you. He’ll remember it before the end. But like in your recovery, you must be patient.”

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting off an oncoming headache. “I’ll keep that in mind, then,” he decided. Balin gently bumped their heads together and left Thorin to his thoughts. He looked out the window, frowning…

_He found him in the smoke house, hanging weed and leaf to dry for smoking. A stream of sunlight poked through the smoke, beaming against strands of Bilbo’s hair as if it were a part of the light itself._

_Thorin swallowed, throat gone dry._

_He could be mistaken, after all. Who was to say that the hug he shared with Bilbo was what he thought it was? He needed to know for sure._

_Thorin moved forward into the smoke house. “Master Baggins.”_

_Bilbo looked up from his work and smiled. “Well, you seem better than before,” he said. Thorin arched a brow at him and Bilbo cleared his throat. “No bruises.”_

“ _Oh. Yes,” Thorin replied, massaging the back of his neck. He still ached, but it wasn’t as bad as before. “I’m mostly healed now. Oin’s figured I’m well enough to stretch my legs if nothing else.”_

“ _Good,” Bilbo said. “Very good.”_

_Thorin did not move from where he stood, staring at Bilbo. How was he to ask the other for what he needed right now. Bilbo looked at him again and cleared his throat again._

“ _Is there something I can do for you, Thorin? Do you need to smoke? Only the leaves won’t be ready for some time yet. They aren’t dried out enough for that yet. But I think Bofur’s got a few new pipes ready.”_

“ _You think I am craving leaf?” Thorin asked, feeling a little incredulous at the idea. He wasn’t as heavy a smoker as his kin!_

_Bilbo shrugged. “Why else would you still be here, then.”_

_Thorin stepped closer and Bilbo stood. He might be average height or even a little taller than his kin, but he was still at least a head shorter than Thorin, meeting his gaze. He seemed resolute in his stance, as if ready to defend himself from attack if need be._

“ _I am here because I wish to speak with you,” Thorin assured him. He scoffed at himself. “Yet as always I am at a loss how to even do that.”_

“ _What? Talking to me? I’m quite easy to talk to. Why would that be hard for you?”_

 _Thorin swallowed, eyes flitting over Bilbo’s face. The cute curve of his nose. The tanned and freckled skin. The color of his eyes and his hair. The point of his ears. He was quite fair. Elfish, and yet decidedly_ not _Elfish at all._

_Unsure how to explain himself better, Thorin reached out and pulled Bilbo back into his arms._

_He exhaled, feeling the same lightness as before when he first wrapped his arms around the Hobbit. His heart seemed to beat just a little faster. His body just a little warmer…_

“ _It is you,” he whispered._

“ _Me?” Bilbo asked, pushing away from Thorin, holding him at arm’s length. “What do you mean? Thorin just tell me.”_

“ _I do not expect someone who is not a Dwarf to understand,” he said._

“ _Well, try to explain it to me in a way that I will be able to, then.”_

“ _My people are passionate. You know this.”_

_Bilbo nodded._

_Well, even then, that much was quite obvious._

“ _And you are aware that this passion is directed into all that we do.”_

_Again, Bilbo nodded._

“ _That same passion, that drive, also can be directed toward one whom we will give our heart to, the one person we will love with all that we are. Romantically. Sexually, if it is wanted. I have felt it was you when I met you that night in your house.”_

_Bilbo blinked at him, startled. “Wait. What?” He stepped just out of Thorin’s reach, as though expecting it to be a cruel joke. “You’re in love with me?”_

_Thorin nodded stiffly._

“ _But that can’t be right!” Bilbo cried. “You’re a king!”_

_Thorin wanted to laugh. He tried to keep his face neutral, though he wanted to laugh at Bilbo’s insistence that he couldn’t possibly be in love with him._

“ _How does my station in life have anything to do with whether or not you are my One? I know my heart and my mind. Would it be easier to accept if I were nothing more than as I am? My heart is yours, Master Baggins.”_

_Bilbo swallowed. “I…well…I’m not royal. Nor am I a Dwarf. I’m not even a burglar or a warrior or whatever Gandalf’s convinced you all I am. I never thought to even hope you’d prefer males, either. And even if I had known you did, I’d never have guessed you’d want me.”_

“ _I do,” Thorin assured him. “More than anything.”_

_Bilbo chewed his lower lip, thinking. His eyes betrayed his doubt. “Would you kiss me, then?” he asked. “And teach me how to court a Dwarf properly. I’ve a feeling it’ll be hard to do the sort of things my people are used to doing –”_

_Thorin barely heard another word out of Bilbo’s mouth, already stepping closer to him. He cupped Bilbo’s cheek and leaned down, pressing their lips together. Bilbo gasped, allowing the kiss to deepen…_

So much went wrong. Some of it, Thorin knew they had already overcome. Bilbo knew Thorin was a stubborn fool sometimes. But he was always patient with him. Bilbo was the calm one.

“You’re lost in thought.”

Thorin turned to the door and he managed a small smile. “Bilbo,” he greeted. “I take it my sister is suitably distracted.”

“Your nephews assured me she was,” he said, approaching. “Your voice sounds better.”

“It is getting there. There are times its still so dry, but yes, I’m not forced to whisper anymore.”

“Wonderful.” Bilbo sat at the chair beside Thorin’s bed. “Balin said you were getting restless.”

Thorin rolled his eyes. “Of course, he did.”

“Other than feeling stir-crazy…”

Thorin glared at him. “Not funny.”

“Oi! Stir-crazy is something anyone can get. It’s not a legitimate illness. It just means you’re restless.”

“Just say restless, then. I’d rather not be reminded of what I did, if you mind.”

Bilbo fell silent. “I wasn’t trying to bring it up,” he said. “I certainly didn’t think you’d be that sore about it…Perhaps I was a bit too insensitive. I apologize. I know you’re not mad, Thorin. Trust me. I am very grateful for that.”

Thorin nodded. “I’m sorry, too. For snapping.”

“You’re bedridden. It’s natural to be a little snippy, I think.”

Thorin glanced at Bilbo’s hands, folded on his lap. He wanted to reach out to him. Take those hands in his own and kiss them.

He dared not.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thorin glanced at Bilbo’s hands, folded on his lap. He wanted to reach out to him. Take those hands in his own and kiss them._

_He dared not._

Thorin cleared his throat and met Bilbo’s gaze instead. “Is there anything you would like to do while you’re here, Bilbo?”

Bilbo grinned.

“Ori is seeing if there’s any positions available at the Library for me. I wouldn’t be a scribe, but I could translate non-Dwarrow works into Common and another scribe would translate it into Dwarrow.”

“If you like, I could give you permission to learn our language. You probably know some already from your time on the quest.”

“A bit,” Bilbo admitted, his smile now sheepish. “I know I wasn’t supposed to, but with Bifur unable to speak any other language, I did pick up a little bit. Not enough to have a conversation with anyone, though.” Thorin nodded. That made sense.

“Would you like to, though? Learn our language?”

Bilbo’s eyebrows rose. “But I’m not a Dwarf.”

“No, but sometimes non-Dwarves are allowed into our culture. It’s rare, but not impossible. You’re already a Dwarf-Friend. This would make it more official, in a way. You’ll be recognized as Dwarf-Friend across the world. All Dwarves, no matter their clan or heritage will know you are one of us, even if you do not look like us.”

Bilbo swallowed. “I would love that, Thorin. Truly. But why do this? After all that happened…you don’t have to do any of that.”

Thorin gave in, taking one of Bilbo’s hands in his own and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know I don’t have to,” he said. “But I want to. Consider it one of many gifts, if you like. You’re one of us. No one in Erebor will contest that. I would have it be that no Dwarf ever dare say otherwise without knowing you.”

Bilbo pulled his hand away. “This isn’t an attempt to court me again, is it?”

Thorin shook his head. “I will admit that I would like that. But, well, whether we can court again is in your hands. Not mine.” Bilbo studied him warily, trying to decide if this was a ploy or not. Deciding he could trust Thorin, Bilbo nodded.

“Good,” he said. “Perhaps, if you’d like our meetings to be a little longer, I could bring a book to read you. Gives us something to do and to discuss.”

Thorin arched an eyebrow, amused. “You want to read to me?”

“It’s just a suggestion,” Bilbo said, glaring at him. “And it’d give you a chance to rest your voice. Or exercise it, if you’d rather we take turns reading to each other.”

“Then by all means,” Thorin said, grinning. “Bring a book. I’ll talk to Balin about you learning Khuzdul and when you’re at a more conversational level, you could practice with children’s stories. There’s a few I’ve not told anyone in a while. Not since my nephews were children, anyway.”

Bilbo’s annoyance had vanished, and he was grinning. “Dwarven fairy tales?”

“Is it so strange to think we have them?”

“No, but hardly anyone other than a Dwarf gets to hear of them, don’t they?”

“True. They sound better in Khuzdul, anyway. Telling them in Common wouldn’t capture the same flare some of them have.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Bilbo said, chuckling lightly. He stood. “I feel I should get going before your sister arrives and decides I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

Thorin frowned. “Is she still giving you trouble?”

“I’ve taken precautions to avoid her if I can help it.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Thorin, given what has happened between us, I do believe she’s just protective of you and her sons. I don’t mind that. I’m sure she and I will come to better terms in our own time. For now, I feel it best if she initiates.”

Thorin sighed. “All right. I’ll leave it be but let me know if she oversteps.”

“I think I can handle her well enough, Thorin.”

“I’m not saying you can’t. It’s just she’s my sister and if anyone has any hope of getting her to heel, I’ve at least a better chance than most.”

“I think that’s a bit of a stretch,” Bilbo teased. “But if it makes you feel better then I’ll keep you in the loop concerning my rather tentative relationship with her.”

“Thank you,” Thorin said. “Will you come tomorrow?”

“Give me a little time to find a book!”

#

Fili slumped into the throne, groaning, as the last courtier exited the hall. “When’s Thorin coming back to work?” he complained. Kili sniggered as Dis lightly smacked the back of Fili’s head.

“You’re doing just fine,” she said. “You’re handling it better than your uncle ever did.”

“I don’t care.” He’d have continued his complaints about being the acting ruler of Erebor if the door of the throne room remained closed. However, it was pushed open and Fili immediately straightened, forcing his features into a mask of maturity.

Balin strode closer to them and bowed.

“Word from his majesty,” he said, holding out a letter. He handed it to Fili, grinning.

“I take it you know the contents already?” he asked.

“Certainly.”

Fili opened the letter and scanned it. By the end of the letter, he was grinning just as broadly as Balin.

“What?” Kili asked, pouting at being left out.

“His majesty,” Fili said. “Has decided to finalize Master Baggins’ title as Dwarf Friend and has permitted him to learn Khuzdul.”

“Really?” Kili asked. Fili handed him the letter and Kili read it eagerly. The brothers turned to their mother, grinning broadly at her shocked, sour face.

“No,” she snarled.

“Yes,” Fili retorted. “It’s the word of the king. I can’t override it. I’m just the heir. And you can’t override it. You’re just his little sister.”

“I am also your mother and you will do well to remember that, Fili. I can still thrash you if you continue this line of cheek.”

Fili placed his hand over his heart, feigning hurt. “You wound me, Mother. I’d love…I’d…” he sighed. “I can’t be upset about this. I can’t even fake it. You’re the only one of our inner circle that dislikes him. Bilbo’s a good man and a great friend. And it really is up to Thorin if he wants to appoint Bilbo Dwarf Friend and let him deeper into our culture.”

“I’ve no problem with that,” Balin said.

“Thorin asked you to teach Bilbo?” Kili asked. Balin nodded. “Best of luck.”

“What luck?” Balin asked. “Bilbo’s a natural talent for languages. He’ll be easier to teach than the two of you combined.”

#

Thorin let Dis rant. It would be best for her to get it out of her system. And once she had said her piece, Thorin motioned for her to sit down.

“Regardless what happened between him and me, he earned the right to learn our language and more,” Thorin said. “I know you don’t like him, Dis. I also know that he told you what happened that day. What really happened.”

Dis sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “As a person, I can’t say I find him disagreeable,” she said. “I am starting to like him, but how can I forgive him given what happened to you?”

“What happened to me, _Namadith_ , has nothing to do with him. I was injured in battle and went into a coma to heal. There was no way any of us could predict that him leaving me would keep me comatose, least of all him.”

She leaned back in her chair, frowning at him. “All right, I suppose that is fair. But he still broke your heart, Thorin, so you really should take out that braid and if you really don’t want to be alone, you can find plenty of Dwarves who would fill that void.”

Thorin glared at her. “Dis, what would you have done had I insisted that you marry again after your husband died?”

She stared at him. “I see,” she said. “It’s not the same.”

“Situationally, I agree. But would you be any less hurt by it? I will not stand for you judging him for protecting himself after what I’ve done to him. I am the one who has done wrong, Dis. I tried to kill him.”

“That’s what I’ve been told, but that is so hard for me to see: you threatening someone you love, even if you were trapped in dragon-sickness.”

Thorin leaned back against the pillows.

“I know what you mean,” he said, staring at his hands. “I remember...some of what happened in that moment, but mostly I recall how I felt. And yes, I felt heartbroken and betrayed. I felt rage.”

He curled his hands into fists.

“I remember yelling at him, screaming at him. Demanding that he be thrown off the mountain. To let him fall to his death and be done with him.”

His vision blurred and he blinked, tears slipping down his face.

“What would I have done if I had followed through? I...state I was in, I don’t...know what I’d...”

Even just from threatening Bilbo, he was ready to die for his crime against him. He went into battle unarmored, unprotected, wanting to die solely for what he had done.

Even Bilbo wouldn’t have thought him capable of it until he seized him and pinned him to the railing. He was afraid. In that time, when his senses returned, Thorin truly thought that he would die with Bilbo’s fear of him forefront in his mind.

“Had I killed him, I’d never forgive myself,” he said. “Had I killed him, Dis...”

He hid his face in his hands and sobbed. Dis embraced him and he clung to her. She stroked his hair maternally and he hugged her tighter.

“He left me to protect himself, Dis,” he wept. “He left to protect himself _from me_. I can’t make this right, but neither do I want to give him up all together. Please, Dis, for my sake, be kind to him.”

She embraced him and stroked his hair, her maternal instincts taking over.

“You woke for him,” she said. “You want to make it right. I understand that, but I fear that this will make it all the worse for you, Thorin, and I fear what would happen if you give yourself to him unguarded. What if you fall into a coma again?”

“I don’t think that will happen again,” he said, pulling away and battling with his emotions for composure, wiping his eyes.

Dis handed him her handkerchief. “I don’t understand your love for him. I don’t think I ever will, but I will try, Thorin. You truly do believe that he is your One, don’t you?”

“I do,” Thorin said, swallowing. “With all that I am, I believe it.”

“Then for your sake, I will try to get along with him and not cause him too much grief for what became of you from him leaving the way he did.”

Thorin nodded. “That is all I ask, _Namadith_ ,” he said. “Thank you.”

#

Bilbo clutched the book to his chest.

He hadn’t meant to overhear Dis and Thorin, but his heart broke at Thorin’s confession to her about how broken he felt for raising his hand against Bilbo.

They needed to talk and he knew it. They really needed to talk about where they stood on that day. But Bilbo didn’t know if he could do it alone.


	9. Chapter 9

“It just isn’t the same, no matter how many times I think it through,” Bilbo told Dori.

They were enjoying tea at Dori’s shop, sitting out on the veranda where they could get some fresh air. It was a clear, sunny day, if not a bit crisp from the coming Autumn winds. Below, the valley that was once the Desolation, was full of lush grass and replanted trees.

“I know and understand the concept of a Dwarf’s One, but having an argument with your spouse on occasion isn’t the same as having your life threatened. I know what everyone wants of me, but…”

Dori sipped his tea contemplatively as he thought on Bilbo’s dilemma.

“Well, you could return to the Shire if it’s that uncomfortable for you,” he said. “Granted, we’d all miss you, but we would understand. I think that the others are just trying to help you see Thorin’s side of it. He’s made a lot of sacrifices in his life and I suppose those closest to him want to see him happy again. Like he was when he was with you.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Bilbo stated, frowning at him. “Even if we were going to get back together, there will be this…stain, you know? You can all tell me that he would never have dared hurt me in his right mind, but the fact remains that he did try to kill me. Sane or not, that isn’t something that I can easily forget, even if I can forgive it.”

“That is fair,” Dori said. “Forgiveness is not tolerance.”

“Precisely,” Bilbo said, relieved that someone at least understood. “I can forgive him, I can understand where he’s coming from, but I can’t take the risk again. Even if it’s true that he would never hurt me as long as he was sane, how am I to really know for sure that I can trust him?”

Dori set his tea cup down and leaned back in his seat.

“You can’t,” he said. “There is no way for you to know if you can ever trust Thorin again. We all know how deep his regret is for how he treated you, but it doesn’t change that we also know that you have to protect yourself.”

Bilbo nodded, sipping his own tea.

“You know, I had not liked Ori being with Dwalin at first,” Dori admitted. “I knew I couldn’t stop it. Ori is a stubborn fool and will do as he pleases. I feared that as Dwalin is also a descendant of Durin, though not a direct descendant as Thorin is, he might also fall victim to the same strain of madness that runs in Thorin’s blood. He hasn’t, but I remain watchful.”

“You think he will?”

“No, I doubt it, but we doubted it with Thorin as well.”

Bilbo took another sip. “What do I do? I don’t want to hurt him anymore, but I can’t trust him again, Dori, not like I used to.”

“Thorin is always going to be heartbroken, but I think he is also aware that he has broken your heart as well,” Dori said. “My mother used to say that sometimes the only person that can mend a broken heart is the one that broke it because they are the one holding all the pieces.”

Bilbo groaned.

That was just as maddeningly unhelpful as the rest of the company had been about the whole matter. Sometimes he thought that Dis was in the right and that it’d be best if he had never fallen in love with Thorin to begin with.

But he hadn’t.

Not initially.

Thorin was the one who initiated.

He was the one who confessed to him and pursued him.

And then Bilbo returned his love.

He did love Thorin, and all seemed well, even with the threat of the dragon looming over them.

“If not for the madness,” Bilbo said. “I think I would have stayed with Thorin. Before he was consumed by his family’s curse, he was everything someone could want in a lover, you know? And I did love him. Not to say we wouldn’t have had any arguments, because we certainly did, but that was just normal couple stuff given the situation we were in during the quest. But given what happened with the Arkenstone, I feared what would happen to me if I had stayed with him after that. Madness or not, he proved that he was and is capable of killing me even though he said he loved me.”

For what felt like a long time, Dori said nothing. Then he sighed and crossed his legs. “You know, Bilbo, everyone is capable of unspeakable evil.”

“Capable, yes, but acting on it is another thing entirely,” Bilbo pointed out, frowning at him. “Thorin acted on his darker impulses.”

“And you haven’t?” Dori asked, arching a brow. “Do you still have it? That magic ring you found?”

Bilbo reached for his vest pocket, rage bubbling inside him. Dori took another sip of tea and Bilbo, satisfied that Dori wasn’t planning on trying to take it from him, relaxed and let his anger go.

“I do have it. I always have it.”

“And what would you do if Thorin took the Ring from you as you had the Arkenstone from him?” Dori asked. “You slaughtered a giant spiderling who had just hatched over it.”

Bilbo jumped, startled at Dori’s statement.

“I didn’t think anyone noticed.”

Dori nodded. “I kept it to myself, but I did see it. I also saw how horrified you were. Whether you thought of it that way or not, you have given into your darkness as well. It just wasn’t directed at someone you loved.”

“And toward an animal instead,” Bilbo pointed out, growing irritated again. “And it’s my ring, why shouldn’t I protect it?”

Dori remained silent, pouring himself another cup of tea. Bilbo scoffed and turned away from him, staring out at the scenery.

He admitted to himself that he had felt like he went overboard that day with the spiderling, but even so, he had no feelings toward it, even if he also admitted that it was not his nature to act that way over anything.

Except, perhaps, where his ring was concerned.

Bilbo relaxed his shoulders, sighing. Sometimes he thought the ring brought something out of him that was very, very ugly, but for the most part, it didn’t do anything to him. And it wasn’t the same thing, anyway.

 _Are you sure_? A voice echoed in the back of his mind. _How do you know it’s not the same at all?_

“That is on you to decide,” Dori said at last. “I only find that it doesn’t seem that much different to me, your obsession with the Ring and Thorin’s Gold-Madness. You’d kill for it as much as he would have killed for the Arkenstone.”

“But would I kill anyone I loved?”

“That I do not know, Bilbo,” Dori said. “Perhaps only you can answer that question and I hope you don’t ever find out that answer.”

Bilbo hoped so, too.

#

Thorin was relieved of the monotony of his day by two knocks of warning. His door creaked open and he bit back an amused laugh at Fili and Kili poking their heads in.

“Mind if we come in?” Kili asked.

“Or is it a bad time?” Fili added.

“You can come in,” Thorin said, marking his place in the book he had been reading and set it down beside him as the boys entered, carrying two trays. “What is this?”

“Lunch,” Kili said, setting down the tray he carried. Fili set his down beside him. “We’ve not eaten together in a while, so…”

“I appreciate it, Lads. You’ll have to help me get to the table, though. My legs are still, well,” he glared at them. Oin had set up an exercise to help him regain use of them, but it was slow going and he felt he was dragging his feet more than anything.

Fili helped him out, holding him up, and slowly walked him to the table.

“Has Bifur brought by that moving chair yet?” Kili asked, pulling a chair out.

“No,” Thorin said. “The kinks are still being worked out, from what I understand. He’ll bring it when it’s ready.”

Fili eased him into the chair and Kili re-positioned it so Thorin could eat. After being stuck in a bed for so long, Thorin felt cold and couldn’t help how he shivered.

“Would you like a blanket?” Kili asked.

“No, I’ll manage,” Thorin reassured him.

It was nice to eat at a table for once, rather than in bed as he had been. His mouth watered at the spread before him: ham, potatoes, some bread, and mead. His diet had been rather strict since he woke. Mostly bread and other soft foods. And far more vegetables than he felt was necessary.

“Did Oin approve of this?”

“Nope,” Kili said. “Figured you were getting bored of what Oin was telling you to eat, anyway.”

Well, they weren’t wrong.

They ate in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company as they used to before the quest.

The only thing he could think of that would make it more nostalgic would be Dis’ presence.

Thorin didn’t know where his sister was, exactly, but from their conversation this morning, he knew she would be seeing to the guild hall and speaking with the guild masters most of the day.

Thinking of talks with his sister lead to the memory of the talk and his admission to her over what he might have done to himself in his despair if he had successfully taken Bilbo’s life. What he had almost done during the battle for atonement for what he had done.

“I don’t think I’ve thanked you yet, Fili, for the work you’ve done while I was comatose.”

Fili set his fork down, blushing. “It was nothing, Uncle. Most of it was Balin, Gloin, and Amad. I’m just a figurehead, or so I feel.”

“As if!” Kili snapped. “Sure, they helped out, but that’s what advisors are supposed to do, Fili. You still made the final decisions in the end.”

“Well, perhaps, but I don’t feel like I’m truly ready for the crown.”

Thorin nodded.

“I have told you both I was barely an adult when I became the king,” he said. “I was in my sixties. Just lost my brother, grandfather, and father. It was not an easy thing to rise to. From what I’ve been told so far, Fili, you’ve handled it with far more grace than I ever did. Besides, Erebor’s current prosperity is not my doing. Regardless whether or not you feel ready, you are more than ready to have the crown and I couldn’t be prouder of you. I’m proud of both of you.”

He nudged Kili’s arm, bringing out his bright grin.

“Have you decided to not take the throne?” Fili asked.

Thorin glanced at him. He shrugged.

“I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. All I know is that if that is my decision, I know that Erebor is in good hands, which will allow you to raise a new generation in stability and prosperity. You are young, Fili. That does not mean you are not wise. Besides, King or not, you’ll still have plenty of mischief ahead of you with this one by your side.”

“Oi!” Kili snapped as Fili laughed. “I’m not that bad!”


	10. Chapter 10

His first Khuzdul lesson went rather well, as far as Bilbo could tell as Balin went over the angular, runic alphabet with him.

After the lesson, they walked along the battlements for fresh air and conversed.

The conversation shifted to what Bilbo overheard between Dis and Thorin.

After Bilbo had finished his summary, Balin stroked his beard and turned him.

“So what do you want to do, now that you know what’s on Thorin’s mind?”

Bilbo sighed.

“I need to talk to him, but I don’t want to go into it alone. It would be very helpful to have someone who can act as a mediator or buffer. If you get my meaning.”

Balin nodded.

“I can do that for you, Laddie.”

“Thank you, Balin. I loathe it, but the sooner it gets over with the better. I fear what may happen, especially if it was left to be done with just the two of us alone.”

“What exactly do you fear?”

“I don’t know precisely,” Bilbo said. “But I fear it wouldn’t be good.”

Given their history, he really didn’t want to risk hurting Thorin or being hurt by Thorin.

“If you’ve time tonight, we can get it over with as you like,” Balin suggested. “I was going to visit him anyway, and, regardless of your reason behind it, he’ll be glad to see you. I take it this conversation you overheard between him and Dis is why you’ve been avoiding him the last couple days?”

Bilbo admitted it was.

“I’ll make myself available,” he said. “What time did you have in mind?”

#

Thorin nodded at Balin and Bilbo, acknowledging their presence as Oin finished his examination.

He winced at the poke at his foot and jerked back.

“Nerves are working,” Oin mumbled. “Walking properly is still too much, Sire, but you’re healing remarkably.”

“Thank you, Oin,” Thorin said as he was put back in bed, frowning at his legs.

At least he’d be able to walk again, so there’s that.

Except, Thorin hated being patient.

Bilbo sat at the table, legs crossed and avoiding Thorin’s gaze as Balin and Oin had a short conversation.

When Oin left, Balin grinned at Thorin.

“Feeling better, Laddie?”

“Every damn day,” Thorin groused. “Would be better if I were as strong as I used to be, but let’s just say that is my own impatience.”

“Certainly,” Balin agreed. “The council is wondering if you intend to return to the court any time soon.”

“When Bifur has that chair I asked for ready, I’ll come back. Until then, I am stuck and I will not be carried like a babe to speak to them.”

“I don’t think they’d mind it that much,” Balin said. “Though I suppose you’re attempting to protect some of your dignity.”

“Whatever dignity I have left, that is,” Thorin replied, smiling gently. “But I’ll live.”

He glanced at Bilbo.

“How are you, Bilbo?” he asked, grasping for a way to politely draw him into the conversation.

Bilbo met his gaze and inhaled.

“Well enough, I suppose. I should thank you for allowing me to learn Dwar—I mean Khuzdul. Balin is a wonderful teacher.”

“Helps when I have an attentive student. Can’t say I’ve a fair share of them.”

He arched a brow at Thorin, who shrugged.

“I did try to get the boys to behave, but there’s only so much I can do about them,” Thorin said.

“Likely story. I wold not be surprised if you put them up to half the shenanigans they got into.”

“It was mildly entertaining,” Thorin admitted, grinning unapologetically.

They discussed a few other things – the winter preparations, upcoming feasts that Dis was planning…

Bilbo mostly listened, legs crossed and watching, almost waiting or perhaps unsure what to say. Thorin frowned at him, sensing something was on his mind but unsure why it had not yet been voiced.

“Are you all right, Bilbo?” Thorin asked. “You’re unusually quiet.”

Balin glanced at Bilbo.

“When you’re ready, Lad,” he said. “If now is still not a good time for you, then we can set up another day.”

“No,” Bilbo said, sighing. “I just want to get it over with.”

He massaged his forehead.

“Thorin, I, um, overheard what you said to Dis a couple nights ago. About what you’d have done had you succeeded in killing me. Perhaps I misunderstood what you were alluding to, but am I wrong to say that had you killed me that day, you’d have taken your own life?”

Thorin’s throat felt tight.

“I…can’t say for sure, but I would not have been surprised if I had.”

The silence in the room was only interrupted by the sound of the fire crackling in in the hearth. Balin all but collapsed in his seat, white as snow, at Thorin’s confession.

Bilbo stared at him.

“Were you not recovering still, I’d slap you,” he said. “In what way do you think you have the right to be so fucking selfish?”

“Selfish?” Thorin snapped. “How is wanting to atone for what I did to you selfish?”

“That isn’t atonement, Thorin,” Bilbo replied, gnashing his teeth. “You would have abandoned everyone else you love and who loves you if you had dared that! Do you really think I’d have wanted you to do that to yourself? You are so…”

He cut himself off, clenching his fists.

“I understand that you grieve what we had together. So do I, but the fact is, Thorin, you weren’t the Dwarf I fell in love with since you set foot in the mountain. Until you tried to kill me, I had a hope that I’d have _my_ Thorin back.”

Thorin’s building rage simmered. “I am back,” he said. “I’m right here.”

“No,” Bilbo said. “No. He’s not. My Thorin would _never_ have suspected his kin of betrayal as you did. My Thorin would _never_ have raised a hand against any of the people he loved as you raised it against me. My Thorin – the Thorin I fell in love with – died two years ago that fated Durin’s Day. I should have known that when you raised your blade against me.”

Balin looked up, stunned. “You threatened him before?”

Thorin’s eyes stung. He had forgotten about that. It was a brief lapse, as Smaug gave chase after them, but he did recall that moment.

“He did. He’d rather I have kept looking for the Arkenstone. Of course, I hadn’t told him that I already found it; didn’t think it’d matter that I had it in my pocket the whole time and it wasn’t the time to worry about a fucking rock anyway,” Bilbo continued.

He shut his eyes, trying not to weep again. “I have no excuse nor defense save for what you already know,” Thorin said quietly, fingers curling around his bed sheets.

“At least we agree on something,” Bilbo said. “There is no excuse for how you treated me, gold-mad or no. Maybe everyone seems to think I’m being cruel, but how can I be anything else when the person I thought – the person I had _hoped_ to share a life with would think so little of me and treat me as if I was something that can be simply discarded?”

Tears spilled down Bilbo’s cheeks.

“I gave the Arkenstone to Bard to force your hand, I admit that. I did so because you were willing to starve all of us over a gold.”

“Bilbo, the Elves and Men both didn’t have any right to be there,” Balin pointed out.

“Perhaps not, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was the time to negotiate!” Bilbo shouted. “Not to be a stubborn mule! There is always a way to settle things without violence and for all that is good, I was trying to save everyone once again and look what it got me! Terrified of the Dwarf I loved, heartbroken – I still have nightmares because of that day!”

Balin stood. “Bilbo, please –”

“How could you do that to me?!” Bilbo shouted at Thorin. “After everything I had done for you – for all of you – how could you have treated me like that?! Like a thing you can just toss aside when you’re bored with it?! I was your lover and your Shield-Brother, Thorin! You promised me when you braided my hair that you would trust that I would do what I believed was best for us! You promised me that you would listen to me when I called you out on your foolishness!”

The doors opened and Thorin barked a command at the guards in Khuzdul, hand up as if to say ‘Stop.’ Bilbo never even looked at them.

“You told me you loved me but even so, behind your back you still held a dagger ready to slay me if I ever ‘turned against you,’ as you must have thought!”

Thorin shook his head, unable to speak. “I meant every word I said when I made that vow,” he whispered. “I know it means little if anything to you now, but please, _Ghivashel_ –”

“No! Do not call me that! Don’t you ever _DARE_ call me that!”

“I do love you.”

“ _Don’t_!” Bilbo bit out through clenched teeth. “You don’t love me, Thorin. How can I ever believe you ever did?”

“You know that I do,” Thorin continued, never moving his gaze away from Bilbo’s. “You know that I do love you and you know I always will love you. I know I hurt you and I wronged you. I only wish it were at all possible for me to make it right.”

“Well, you can’t!” Bilbo shouted. “You’ll just have to learn to live with it! I have!”

Thorin exhaled shakily.

What could he say to that that wouldn’t enrage Bilbo further?

Bilbo scoffed and pushed past the guards, storming off to his own room.

“All right, lads,” Balin said, “Show’s over, back to work.”

The guards left.

“Do you need anything, Thorin?” Balin asked gently.

“No,” Thorin said. “Save some time to myself. I don’t know if Dis is planning to come by, but delay her, Balin, if you can.”

“I’ll do that. Just, remember, Thorin: Bilbo does love you. Yes, he is hurt and angry, but he does love you. We all know that he and you are One and we still have hope that you and he can work it out somehow.”

Thorin held his hand out to silence him. “I appreciate that, Balin, but right now, I really need to be alone. I won’t do anything rash, I promise.”

Balin nodded. “I’ll let Dis know you wish to be alone. For the rest of the day?”

“Yes.”

“Very well, Sire.” Balin stood and bowed. He left the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

Once Thorin was alone, he hid his face in his hands and sobbed.


	11. Chapter 11

Thorin tested out the chair Bifur had made, working out how to make it move for his best benefit until his legs began to work again. He could move it with his hands on the wheels but there were also handles in the back so that he can be pushed by a servant.

Naturally, he preferred maneuvering the chair himself. It was good for his arms, anyway, and a little bit fun, if he were being honest. More so, it allowed him to start attending the council meetings with Fili, which allowed him to see his nephew in action.

Thorin knew he was proud of him before, but the sense of pride only swelled seeing how Fili negotiated with Bard and Thranduil on what each of them would provide for the winter. Textiles, food, coal and wood for fire. What wouldn’t last, what would, and preparing for the worst.

After the meeting, Bard approached Thorin.

“I heard you were awake,” he said.

“Aye. Not expecting me to show myself any time soon?”

Bard shrugged. “I don’t care either way. Particularly since we have gotten used to Fili. I wouldn’t have guessed he was your kin if I did not know him and you both.”

“I think I’ve changed quite a bit since I fell into a coma,” Thorin said.

“Perhaps, but that remains to be seen, I think,” Bard replied. “How are you, really? I heard Bilbo has returned and given what happened between you and him…”

Thorin frowned. The rage in Bilbo’s voice, the despair marring his face… it haunted him. “He is angry with me still. Not that I blame him.”

Bard hummed. “Are you sure it is wise for you and him to get back together?”

“That is what my companions hope, I admit, and I would love to be with him again, but right now, that is in his hands. If Bilbo will not have me, there is little I can do about it. My illness in those days does not change that I had hurt him deeply. He is brave but his bravery has always been mastered by his wisdom. I would be blessed if he trusted me again, but I doubt he ever will. Not after everything I had done.”

Thorin glanced at Thranduil, noticing that the Elvenking was listening in. Thranduil only arched a brow at him, unblinking, when Thorin glared at him for eavesdropping.

Elves.

Always making themselves out to be wiser and than they really are. Thranduil, Thorin knew, had grown fond of Bilbo. Seems Bilbo had returned the white gems to him two years ago or something of that sort, which lightened Thranduil’s opinion of him in some way.

The Elves always did have an interest in Hobbits just as the Hobbits held Elves in some reverence.

Likely, if Thorin tried to hurt Bilbo again (not that he believed he ever would), Thranduil would do something about it and likely start a war over any transgression against Bilbo. Not that Bilbo would approve of any more wars and skirmishes being fought. Least of all over him.

“Do you want to make it right?” Bard asked.

Thorin sighed. “If I thought it were possible,” he said, “I would do anything, give everything I had, to make it right. But I think we know Bilbo well enough to know that he would not appreciate any grand gestures. Besides, Bard, I tried to kill him. Sick or no, that is unforgivable.”

“True, but you have to remember: you _didn’t_ kill him,” Bard said. He leaned against the table, frowning. “I don’t know about the Hobbits or the Dwarves or even the Elves, but among the Men, it’s far more common than it should be. Killing one’s lover, even their own children.”

Thorin started. Even Thranduil seemed to have been effected by the statement.

“The men and women who commit these acts are…monsters. There is no love or emotion in them. They are truly, purely ill of heart and of mind.”

“And you are certain they are Men?”

“That is what they were born as, yes,” Bard said. “I’ve seen Men hunt down their wives and children, and kill them in cold blood. I’ll never understand it.” He looked at Thorin. “At heart, that is not who you are. Yes, you have shown that you are capable of it, but do you know if you actually would have dared?”

Thorin sighed. “I don’t know. I barely remember what I was thinking that day. If not for the sickness in my mind, I… well, I like to think I wouldn’t have done anything to him. Yes, we’d have fought. I’d be enraged, but I can’t imagine that I’d have raised a hand against him. I think I would have still banished him in anger, though. The Arkenstone was my birthright. Taking it as he had was a deep blow and terrible betrayal of trust. It doesn’t make what I did any better, I know that, but my heartbreak that day was genuine. But it doesn’t make it right.”

The three kings sat in silence for what seemed a long time.

“You are not like the Men Bard spoke of,” Thranduil said. “Remember, Thorin, I knew you when you were a child. There is not a malicious bone in you whatsoever. You give your trust freely and openly until it is abused. You always have been like that. Bilbo may already know the depth of your remorse, but the road back to trusting each other will be a long road. A dark road, filled with pain and despair for both of you. Whether the end of this journey for you leads to rekindling your relationship with him or not, you’ll come out of it stronger than you were before.”

“Pain and despair seems to be all that I have ever offered him anyway,” Thorin replied. “For all that I love and adore Bilbo, I had not been a good partner for him.”

“But it wasn’t what you meant to give him, was it?” Bard asked.

“Of course not,” Thorin snapped. He glared at Bard, clutching at the arms of his chair. “Why would I want to cause the people I love pain? Let alone the man I love?” _I just wish he knew that…_ Thorin relaxed, sighing. “Forgive me, Bard. I did not mean to be short of temper just now.”

Bard nodded. “I didn’t think so. I’d be just as short tempered if I were in your place.”

“Not that you ever were.”

“True. That is fair, but neither have I felt betrayal as you have, Thorin.”

The doors opened, cutting off their conversation, and Dis entered. A team of servants entered, setting the table for a meal. She arched a brow.

“Where are my sons?” she asked.

“Who knows,” Thorin said, shrugging. “Perhaps to have a meal with those their own age rather than us old coots?” Bard snorted and Thranduil laughed. None of them looked it, but they were much older than appearances suggested. Especially in Thranduil’s case.

Dis shook her head, biting back a laugh of her own. “Dear brother of mine, are you calling me old?”

“Well would it matter?” Thorin asked, feeling mischievous. “I’m still older than you no matter how much of a crone you become.”

“Do you have a death wish?” Bard asked.

“Do you have a sister?”

“No.”

“Then shut up.”

#

… _I will make the return journey once the weather is more favorable. I expect that will be around mid-February to March at earliest, but no later than the equinox. I hope to be home before the summer solstice. In the meantime, continue the good work and keep in touch, Drogo._

_Sincerely,_

_Bilbo Baggins_

Bilbo set down his quill and wiped off the excess ink from his fingers before putting the cap back on the inkwell. He glanced out his window, half-enchanted by the snow. Bilbo had to admit that winter was not his favorite season. He thought it too dead and dark for him.

Still, it was nice to watch if nothing else. Especially with a cup of tea and a warm fire.

And a book.

 _Speaking of which_ , Bilbo thought, picking up one of the books he had borrowed from the library. _Best return this_. He grabbed his coat and left, locking the door and tucking the key into his weskit’s pocket before heading to the library.

The halls were dark, lit only by firelight, and almost empty. He was certain it was day time, but even so, there wasn’t a Dwarf in sight. Bilbo started to worry about it when a servant almost bumped into him. She bowed and ducked around him.

“Excuse me,” he said, calling back to her. She stopped and looked at him. “Where is everyone?”

“Lady Dis has everyone at work to prepare for the Solstice Ball, Master Baggins,” she said. Relieved, Bilbo let her go on her way and continued to the library.

The area less inhabited by the court (especially the royal family) were far more crowded, including around the library. He gave the book to the scribe at the front desk and went to see what else they had that could keep his mind busy when he wasn’t studying Khuzdul with Balin.

Bilbo paused, spying Ori down one of the corridors.

“Ori?” Ori jumped, clutching a book to his chest. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Bilbo, good afternoon,” Ori said, chuckling. “Looking for a new book?”

“If there is one. I don’t think I’m fluent enough in Khuzdul yet to read most of these yet, but eventually. Maybe some of the very, very young works if you’ve anything like that I can practice with.”

“Perhaps, though that depends on how far along you are,” Ori agreed. “We’ve a couple books that you might be able to practice with if you like. I can grab them for you while you look for something you prefer for light reading.”

“That’d be wonderful. Thank you,” Bilbo said. He patted Ori’s shoulder and resumed his search.

His thoughts went back to the servant’s information about a winter festival. The Solstice Ball…

His people preferred to call that time “Yule.” They burned logs and a made merry indoors as it was too cold to do so outdoors. Lots of dancing, singing, feasting…

He had never made a habit of missing his family’s large celebrations until after the quest.

A part of him wondered at the idea of the Dwarven variation Yule. So far, it didn’t sound that much different from what he was used to.

Well, he was already learning the language. It wouldn’t be a leap to learn the culture. He knew a little bit already, anyway. He didn’t think Ori would hold back anything else from him.

Bilbo selected a new book to read and headed on to the front where he could get the children’s books Ori was looking for. They met up at the front of the library and Ori handed him three thin books.

“Thanks,” he said. “We should meet up some time for tea.” Ori groaned.

“That’s more Dori’s thing.”

“Ale then?”

“Much better. Can’t say I’ll be able to leave Dwalin at home, though.”

“Then he can come too so long as he doesn’t try to eat me out of house and home again,” Bilbo said. Ori stifled a laugh. “I was wondering about Dwarven winter celebrations.”

“Heard about the upcoming Solstice Ball?”

Bilbo frowned. “Was I not supposed to?”

“Fili or Kili would have gotten to it eventually,” Ori said. “But Lady Dis is the one who organizes all the social gatherings that the royal family hosts. It’d be best to talk to her about the Ball’s etiquette.”

“If she and I talked much, then I’d agree,” Bilbo sighed.

Dis to this day still seemed aloof toward him, though since the conversation he overheard between her and Thorin, she did seem a little less icy. Perhaps that was her way of trying to be kinder to him.

“Still doesn’t like you?”

“I doubt she’ll ever like me,” Bilbo said. “But so long as she and I can find a way to be agreeable, I think all will be well. And its not like there’s no effort on my part.”

“True. Are you still avoiding Thorin?” Bilbo arched a brow at him. Ori cleared his throat. “Balin told Dwalin, who then told me. I don’t know who else knows about it given how many guards witnessed your fight. The company is well aware of what happened if no one else.”

“I’m sure the whole mountain knows what happened between me and Thorin now,” Bilbo sighed. “Yes. I’m still a bit nervous talking to him right now after that.”

He wasn’t embarrassed by what he had said. That it was witnessed by so many, however…

Bilbo wondered how Dis took to the news about his outburst and that made going to her to ask about the ball more nerve-wrecking. He didn’t put it past her to make him seem like a fool at the ball instead.

But he couldn’t face Thorin again.

Not yet.

“Where do you think she is?”

Likely the ball room. I can give you directions if you like.”

“That’d be helpful, Ori. Thank you.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of past child abuse

Working up the courage to confront Dis took more time than Bilbo anticipated. He nearly didn’t even bother attempting to find her, but pushed through his anxiety to find her. Dis spoke in quick, sharp Khuzdul to the servants as they prepared the hall. She spotted him as he came in and she arched a brow at him. Bilbo took a deep breath and approached her.

“What can I help you with, Master Baggins?” she asked when he was closer. Her tone had a hint of saying, _you’ve a lot of nerve coming to me alone_. At least, that’s what he felt.

“Only to ask for a quick etiquette lesson, my lady,” he said, bowing. “I would not want to accidentally insult or disrespect anyone at the Solstice Ball.”

“No. I suppose not,” she said. Her gaze was calculating. “Master Baggins, If you think that being allowed to attend the ball changes anything…”

“I don’t expect or think that anything will make anything change how we regard each other, my lady,” he said as politely as he could while still keeping his guard up.

Dis nodded. “The ball isn’t until the Solstice night, so that gives you a month to learn whatever etiquette you will need to know to at the very least survive the night without making a fool of yourself.”

“I am trusting that you’ll not try to make a fool of me, either,” he said, grinning as she turned to glower at him.

“I take it you’ll be checking with Balin?”

“Well, I hadn’t thought to do that, but I was told that these are your events so I’m quite certain you want everything to go smoothly, regardless of your feelings toward any guests.”

Dis chuckled. Bilbo was a bit stunned. He didn’t think she was capable of smiling, let alone laughing. “Very well. You needn’t verify what I teach you with Balin unless you really wish to.”

Bilbo hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until then, returning her smile. “That is good to hear, my lady,” he replied. Dis nodded.

“This particular event was started two thousand years ago, perfected by each reigning queen or prince consort of the king through the centuries,” she began. “The Winter Solstice is known to all the people of Middle Earth as a time of rest, as I’m sure you know. Among Durin’s Folk, it is a time also to make merry. There is feasting, dancing, singing, and more. My grandmother was the last hostess of the ball before my grandfather fell ill. Since her passing, there had not been a solstice celebration in Erebor since. After our wandering days, I restarted the tradition in Ered Luin.”

Bilbo followed her around, listening as she would break from her explanations to give instructions to the servants. “Would this be the first time you’ve held the ball in Erebor?”

“No. I held it here last year as well,” she said. “Though the only thing that felt celebratory to me was my sons had woken and were fully healed by then.”

Bilbo frowned. For a few seconds, he said nothing as Dis discussed color schemes with another Dwarf. “My lady, I never meant for Thorin to fall into a coma,” Bilbo said. “I didn’t even think it was possible for it to happen. I am sorry that you grieved and worried over your brother. Hurting him was never my intention in the least. Please understand that I did what I thought was right. I was only trying to prevent bloodshed. Not that it did any good…”

Dis turned to him. “I am sorry, too,” she said. “I know you better now than I had before. I can’t say I like you much, Master Baggins, but I think we have managed at least to be cordial to each other. I know you only did what you thought was right by the people you love. It is still a strange thing to think, though: that my own brother, who looked after me as a little girl, and then helped me raise my sons, would raise a hand against anyone he claimed to love. That isn’t him.”

Bilbo stared at their feet. Hers were covered in sturdy leather boots and his remained bare. “He was not himself when he was consumed by the Dragon Sickness,” he said. “I know that, but knowing in my mind is not the same as knowing in my heart. I know he is broken over what happened between us, but…”

“The thing is, I know Dragon Sickness changes people. Makes them nothing more than a shade of their true selves. But my grandfather was consumed by it _after_ my grandmother passed away. Every other king, queen, prince, and princess of Durin’s Folk that were infected by Dragon Sickness fell to it because they lost someone that they loved with all that they are.”

Bilbo frowned. Thorin hadn’t lost him – but for a short time they thought they had lost Fili, Kili, Bofur, and Oin when Smaug attacked Laketown. And then there was how Thorin acted when he saw that his nephews were alive. It was like they were ghosts to him.

“Would thinking you lost a child bring it on?” he asked.

Dis stared at him. “Yes. It would. That was how the women of Durin’s line have usually fallen.”

Bilbo exhaled and sat down. “Kili was badly wounded on the quest.”

“I know. A morgul arrow to his leg, I heard.”

“Fili, Oin, and Bofur stayed with him in Laketown while the rest of us continued on. We woke Smaug and he went to destroy the town. We were all too stunned, but that’s almost the exact moment when Thorin was consumed by it. Perhaps he thought he had gotten your sons killed.”

Dis sat beside him. “He adopted my sons as his own,” she said. “They are his heirs and he had loved them as his own the moment they were born. Given his preferences for a lover, Thorin knew he wasn’t likely to have any children of his own. I think you are right: that was exactly what pushed him into the madness. I heard about your, uh, outburst the other day.”

Bilbo looked at her, his heart pounding so fast, he feared it’d burst.

“Given what you said happened between you and my brother, you are either very brave or very foolish or both to still want to be near him.”

Bilbo sighed. “I wouldn’t say that I _want_ to be near him. I did love him,” he said. “With all my heart. I know I betrayed him but at the same time, my lady, he wasn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. It didn’t feel like I had betrayed the Thorin I knew, you see. I was just trying to prevent a battle. Thirteen Dwarves and a Hobbit, against an army of Elves and angry fishermen? We were going to die, either by the sword or by starvation. I was trying to save us. I swear.”

“And is that what you told him?”

“I didn’t get that far in my defense before he decided to have me tossed from the rampart,” Bilbo said, angrily wiping his eyes. “That is not the action of the Thorin I knew and adored.”

“No, it is not,” Dis agreed. “And yet, I still struggle to see him capable of doing something so horrid to anyone he says he loves.”

Bilbo sniffed, glaring at his hands and the handkerchief clutched in them.

“My grandfather wasn’t the same person either when he became sick,” Dis said. “He used to be so lively and kindhearted. The change from Thror, King Under the Mountain, High King of the Seven Clans, Descendant of Durin the Deathless to the Mad Dwarf King was…frightening. It was quick, too. As soon as the news of our grandmother’s death reached his ears, he started to change. Everyone he loved and cared for was suspect. Once, he even slapped me.”

Bilbo stared at her, stunned.

“I was eighteen,” she said. “Which, I suppose for Men, that would be about…six, seven maybe. I had gone into the treasury because my favorite toy was put there – a porcelain doll with hair made from golden thread and a dress of gold and silver. The eyes were carved from lapiz lazuli. It went missing from my room and so I asked around to find it’d been moved to the treasury, so I went to get it. Given my age, I thought it strange, but didn’t think anything else of it. I found it, and was on my way back to my room with it when my grandfather caught me. Called me a thief and slapped me so hard I fell and the doll broke. He kicked me.” She placed her hand over her stomach, as if she could still feel the pain. “And I screamed. My father heard it, pulled him off, and carried me back to my room.”

“Dis, I am so, so sorry.”

She blinked, eyes glossy. “It hasn’t bothered me in years. I thought I got over it.”

“But before he was sick, would he have dared hurt you like that?”

“I’ll never know. I was too young to know.”

“Does Thorin…”

Dis shook her head. “I never told anyone. Only my father knew of it. And now you.” She scoffed. “To find that I have opened up my darkest secret to someone I don’t even know, let alone like…”

“Dis, he should know.”

“What good would it do to tell Thorin now?” she asked.

“I don’t know, but keeping it from him isn’t healthy for you, and your father is gone, so you can’t talk to him about that. As for your grandfather, he’s gone as well so you can’t demand an apology from him and you’ll never find out if he ever felt remorse for doing that to you…It doesn’t matter that it was only one time when you were abused, the pain will always be there. Besides, what if he had done something to Thorin, also. You’re siblings. Isn’t that something you would want to help each other overcome?”

Dis stared at him, daring him to push the matter more. Bilbo didn’t. He knew now it wouldn’t do any good for either of them.

“Regardless, I am sorry that had happened to you,” he said. “Sickness or not, it was evil of him to do.” Bilbo stood and bowed. “I’ve taken up more of your time than I intended, my lady.” He turned to go.

“Master Baggins,” Dis called. He turned back to her. “Meet me tomorrow in my chambers for lunch. We’ll start your lessons then.” Bilbo bowed, agreeing to the time, and continued his retreat.

#

“Good morning, Uncle,” Kili greeted, sliding into his seat. He yelped when he lost his balance a little bit, making Fili laugh, leaning against the door and clutching his stomach as Kili righted himself, face red. “That did not go as planned.”

“Oh? Not going to say you meant to do that?”

“That’s more Gimli’s thing,” Kili snapped. It was true. Gloin’s son despised admitting something was a mistake or an accident, especially when it so clearly was.

“Enough, you two,” Thorin said. “Sit down, Fili.” Fili obeyed, sitting beside him without trying anything showy as his brother had. Thorin leaned forward, sighing. “I have decided to abdicate the throne.”

“What?” Kili asked.

“No!” Fili cried, eyes wide.

Thorin turned to him. “You’re ready. More than ready, from what I’ve witnessed.”

“I’m not!” Fili snapped.

Thorin arched a brow at him. “Why do you think you’re not ready?”

Fili turned to Kili, who shrugged. “I’m with Thorin, Fili,” he said. “You’ve been ruling Erebor for nearly two years now.”

“Because I had to,” Fili said. “Not because I wanted to.”

Thorin patted Fili’s shoulder. “Lad, I didn’t feel ready either when the time came for me to take the throne, but like you, I rose to the task when it came to me. I couldn’t be prouder of how you’ve managed to bring Erebor to such glory in so short a time.”

“But _you_ are still young, Uncle. And healthy.”

Thorin bit back a laugh. “Fee, since returning to Erebor, I’ve fallen prey to our family’s curse, betrayed everything I stood for, nearly murdered my One, and then went into a coma for the majority of it. My right to rule is lost in my eyes, whether others agree with me or not, I do not trust myself on the throne. But I know I can trust you with the rule of Erebor and of Durin’s Folk.”

“Well, you shouldn’t,” Fili said. “What if I fuck it up.”

Thorin smiled. “Lad, I cannot tell you how often I had fucked up when I started my rule. I wasn’t yet an adult, you see. Younger than Kili. No. Scratch that, I was younger than Gimli. Now, given that Gimli is our cousin, and given his temper, given what you know about _my_ temper…do you really want to use the ‘I will fuck it all up’ excuse with me? I almost started a war with the Orocani because of my fat mouth. And another with the Rohirrim when we were down that way.”

“You pissed off an entire elite military force?” Kili asked. “How?”

“Oh, Kee, you do _not_ want to know. And I was king then.”

Fili hummed. “You insulted the king of Rohan.”

Thorin nodded. “It was stupid of me, but like I said: fat mouth. If I weren’t a king, I’d have gotten punched more often then I did. Especially given the brat I was then. I definitely deserved it. But you, Fili,” he pressed their foreheads together. “You’re an adult now, and you’ve more finesse and poise than I ever had. You’re a strong warrior, a wise young man, and I can’t be prouder of who you have become. I’ll stay in Erebor as your advisor if you wish, but I will not return to the throne.”

Fili sighed. “I guess if you’re here to help me….”

“Always, Lad.”

The door opened and Dis entered. Though she was trying not to, she was distraught.

“ _Amad_?” Kili asked, jumping out of his seat and approaching her. “What’s wrong?”

She waved him off. “I need to talk to your uncle. Alone.”

Thorin nodded, dismissing the boys. Once they were alone, Dis sat down, gasping through her sobs.

“Dis, what’s wrong?” he asked, moving over to her. She hunched over shaking. “ _Namadith_ , what happened?” She lowered her handkerchief and sniffed, eyes closed and she told him something he never wanted to learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Dis was supposed to tell Bilbo some good things about Thror, so...that came out of nowhere. I am so, so sorry to anyone who got upset reading about that happening to her. She'll be ok and I'll be adding the tag as "past abuse" and perhaps "abuse recovery" as she still needs to heal, but we'll see if it ever comes up again. I don't plan that it will, but it wasn't planned to begin with. Again, I'm sorry to anyone who was triggered by that and I send virtual hugs and kisses to all of you.


	13. Chapter 13

Someone knocked at his door in the middle of tea. Bilbo fought down his annoyance at it – he wasn’t in the Shire after all – and headed over to see who had come calling unannounced and uninvited. He guessed one of the company.

Sure enough, when he opened the door, Thorin looked back at him, frowning.

“We need to talk.”

“Erm…”

“My sister told me.”

“Oh.” Bilbo opened his door wider to admit Thorin. “Would you like some tea?”

“If you’ve nothing stronger, then yes.”

“Strongest thing I’ve got is some ale right now.”

“Then I’ll have a pint if you’ve a mug that big.”

Bilbo went to the kitchen and poured Thorin a mug of ale. He set it in front of him and sat down. Thorin held the mug in his hands, staring at the liquid.

“Did you think her telling me would somehow make me feel better? It doesn’t, Bilbo.”

Bilbo set his tea cup down. He turned to Thorin, legs crossed.

“I wasn’t intending to cause you or her any more pain. I just thought it’d lighten her burden a little bit. You’re her brother. Shouldn’t she be telling you something like that rather than me? I still don’t know why she told me. I promise I wasn’t trying to be malicious.”

Thorin sighed. “I know. I’m sorry if I seem angry. It’s just not something…I knew that he wasn’t himself. My grandfather, that is, but I never thought that even he would dare raise his hand against his family and loved ones. It wasn’t something I ever thought he’d be capable of doing. Let alone to Dis.”

“You never noticed the doll went missing?”

“I was forty. About eleven years old by Men’s reckoning. A missing or broken doll wasn’t going to catch my attention. My sister in fear, though, I would have noticed. How did I not notice?”

“Well, you weren’t looking for anything wrong, were you? And you likely passed it off as your sister just being nervous around your grandfather because of his illness. Your father never said anything to you about staying away from your grandfather or the treasury?”

“He did,” Thorin sighed. “I just assumed that was because of the gold madness overtaking him. Dis wasn’t allowed in the throne room anyway. Frerin and I just assumed she was sick.”

“Frerin?” Bilbo asked. He’d never heard that name before. Or had he? He couldn’t recall.

“Our brother,” Thorin said. “Younger than I, older than Dis. He died at Azanulbizar.”

He raised the mug to his lips and drank deeply.

“I wonder how Oin will take to you getting drunk,” Bilbo teased.

“Oin can kiss my ass,” Thorin growled. Bilbo took the mug and went to refill it. He gave it back to Thorin on his return.

“I take it Thror never raised a hand against you or Frerin then?”

Thorin shook his head. “I knew that he was capable of great cruelty, but to do that to a little girl? His own granddaughter? I…” he took another drink. “Over a toy?”

“A toy made of gold.”

“Only the hair and the dress was gold. Though lapiz lazuli is a very rare gem, to be sure. There are only a few mines in the world that produce it.”

“What color is it?” Bilbo asked. “Yellow?”

Thorin shook his head. “Blue. The shade is dark as the ocean. It’s a beautiful gem. Not as coveted as gold or mithril, though.” He raised the cup to his lips, as though to drink. He set it down and turned to Bilbo. “Are you afraid of me?”

Bilbo started, blinking at him. “No,” he said. “I’m not afraid of you, Thorin. I never was. Except when you tried to kill me. But not before and not after.”

“I suppose that is easier then. I don’t know what I’d do if you were afraid of me,” Thorin said. “Given that I’m bound to this chair for the foreseeable future.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. You’re very intimidating when you want to be, whether your legs work or not,” Bilbo said, trying to be reassuring. “Just not to me.”

“Why would I want to intimidate you?” Thorin asked, frowning at him.

“I never said that you _wanted_ to be,” Bilbo snapped. He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I thought you wanted to talk about your sister. Or at least get drunk.”

Thorin picked up his mug again. “That is very tempting.”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

Thorin glanced at Bilbo again, still frowning. “Who knows. Have you received invitation for the Solstice Ball?”

“No, but I already know of it. I’m sure it’ll show up. Dis agreed to teach me a little bit of etiquette so I don’t end up embarrassing myself in front of the court.”

Thorin chuckled. “My sister doesn’t like you much and you still went to ask her for etiquette lessons?”

“Should I not have?”

“What are you stones made of?”

Bilbo smirked. “Shouldn’t you know that already? I’ve saved your ass how many times?” He leaned back in his chair and counted on his fingers. “I killed an Orc for you, broke you out of a dungeon, woke you up from a coma like some fairy tale princess –”

“No.”

“I’m missing something….oh! Yes. The trolls. If it weren’t for my quick thinking, you’d all have been eaten.” Thorin rolled his eyes.

“If not for your quick thinking, Bilbo, we could have all gotten flayed alive. And to add: why did you look so happy about that?”

Bilbo opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. “I don’t know? I guess I thought they’d think it ludicrous.”

“Trolls?”

“I may have overestimated their intelligence,” Bilbo said. “Definitely underestimated the one. Thank the Gods for Gandalf.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Thorin said. They both took a sip of their respective beverages. Thorin lowered his mug again as Bilbo set down his teacup. “You are a very easy person to talk to. Something about you makes people feel safe, I think.”

“Oh?”

“Why else would she have told you before me?”

Bilbo hummed. “Well, does it matter why she felt comfortable enough to tell me something so personal? It’s not like I’m going to abuse that trust. It’s more than I thought she’d give.”

“Aye. Though, now she might understand why you are valued so highly by the company.” _And me_ remained unspoken. “Skinning?”

“I may have a dark sense of humor,” Bilbo said, shrugging. “And I reiterate, I overestimated their intelligence. You at least I had hoped would let me live it down.”

“Oh, my dear Hobbit. Never,” Thorin said, grinning. “We are all going to milk that cow till it’s dry. You’ve no one to blame but yourself.” Bilbo sighed.

“Damn. Don’t you all think I’ve put up with enough from you lot?”

“Nope,” Thorin replied. His smile ebbed and he set the mug down on the coffee table. “Bilbo, if I may say my piece on the matter of the Arkenstone and…my actions.”

Bilbo frowned, staring at Thorin. “Now?”

“Would there be a better time?” Thorin asked. Bilbo sighed and waved his hand, agreeing to allow Thorin to speak. Thorin leaned back in his chair, thinking.

“I know that there is very little I can say about my attempt to kill you, so I will leave that be for now. I just wanted to say that the Arkenstone was a family heirloom. Even if I wasn’t mad, I’d have been grievously upset with you for giving it to Bard as you had. I know you’ve plenty of heirlooms at your home. Irreplaceable dishes, antique furniture, handmade décor…even your own house is an inherited item, passed down from father to child. Or am I wrong?”

“No, you’re right,” Bilbo said.

“Might I ask, what is the one thing that makes you who you are that was inherited? What is the one thing that, if lost or stolen, would break you apart?”

Bilbo thought that ridiculous at first and was about to say so but stopped in his tracks. The rage and hurt he had felt on his return to the Shire, seeing his family home being pilfered and auctioned off by his neighbors and relatives, pecking at his things like vultures.

“I think I understand better than you know.” He said, then proceeded to tell Thorin about what he discovered on his return home. “Needless to say, I was furious. Even now, one of my cousins continues to try and take my house and everything in it. I had to draw up a will and look at every possible loopholes I could to prevent her from getting her hands on it. That will took a year to write and perfect and it’s still not complete save that nothing goes to her or her side of the family. But I didn’t steal the Arkenstone to spite you.”

“No. Just to force my hand.”

“I wanted you to see reason.”

“I saw enough,” Thorin said. “I had enough reason left to know that, regardless of my state of mind, the men and the elves had no right to lay siege to us as they had. When those you hope to be your allies march on your home with intent to do harm, what else can you do but ready yourself to defend it? I was willing to negotiate so long as they were.”

“You weren’t negotiating,” Bilbo said. “You were making demands.”

“That the Elves leave. Thranduil brought an army to my doors, Bilbo. An entire military host against thirteen Dwarves? That wouldn’t have been a battle, Bilbo. That would have been a massacre, which is why I sent for aid. Once they left, I would have been willing to deal with Bard and handle an actual negotiation with the Men. All that was needed was for you to trust me and be patient.”

“How exactly was I supposed to trust you?!” Bilbo shouted. “How, Thorin? Tell me that when it was abundantly clear to me that you had no interest in negotiation or even helping the Men who you promised you would! And I vouched for you and that promise! I told them you’re word was your bond!”

“I would have kept that promise as long as they sent the damned army back to the forest,”Thorin shot back. “But you couldn’t be bothered to trust that I knew what I was doing, or to trust that there was some semblance of sanity left in me to know that Thranduil had no reason to be there! Not with an army! I admit there were times the dragon-sickness was stronger than my own mind, but you dare to stand here and tell me that I did not know my own mind well enough to know right from wrong in the matter of our safety and what needed to be done to survive?”

“Oh, believing that your kin were going behind your back was right?”

“I did not say that!” Thorin barked. “I was trying to keep us alive and your actions could have made everything worse! I will atone for the wrong I have done to you and to my kin, but this is not as simple as you think it is!”

“It is simple, Thorin,” Bilbo snapped. “It is extremely simple. You weren’t trying to keep us alive at all. You were trying to keep the gold for yourself and no one else.”

“Thranduil,” Thorin growled. “Brought. An army. To a mountain occupied by only thirteen Dwarves and a Hobbit. Tired, starving, having just survived the wrath of a dragon. For a single chest of treasure. Yet you dare, knowing that, to look at me in the eye and say I was the unreasonable one? That I was the only one gone mad for treasure?”

Bilbo didn’t know how to respond to that. He thought he could, but whatever argument he had left was spent. “What else can I say? I did what I thought was right. And you say you were, despite that you were clearly not yourself. At that time, I just…really wanted to have my Thorin back. I didn’t know what else to do to bring you back to me. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“As am I for trying to kill you,” Thorin replied. Once more they fell into silence. Bilbo’s gaze rested on the bead he had placed in Thorin’s hair.


	14. Chapter 14

_Once more they fell into silence. Bilbo’s gaze rested on the bead he had placed in Thorin’s hair._

“Why do you still wear my bead?” Bilbo asked. “We aren’t together anymore, so you are free to remove it.” Thorin nodded.

“I am,” he said. He sighed, running his hand over his face. “Do you want it back?”

Bilbo opened his mouth to reply, then closed it again. He shook his head.

“I don’t know. I’ll take it back if that is what you want, but what would I do with it? I made it for you, after all so you can keep the bead if you want, but the braid…doesn’t it mean you’re in a relationship?”

“The braid signifies that my heart belongs to someone. The bead signifies to whom,” Thorin said. “I could return your bead and hold the braid together with one of my own, meaning that you, my One, has rejected me as a partner.”

“I _have_ rejected you, Thorin,” Bilbo said. “We were together only a few months. Reasons why our relationship ended aside, I don’t want you to be bound to me. You should be free to pursue someone else. Someone you might like more.”

“Who else would I want?” Thorin asked. “Who else would make me feel as alive as I did when I was with you? I know my heart, Bilbo.”

“This One business isn’t healthy. We’re not soul mates or anything like that.”

“So you’ve been able to be with another?” Thorin asked.

Bilbo arched a brow at him, sensing his jealousy.

“No,” he said. “But that shouldn’t matter. It’s not your concern who I choose to have a relationship with. We’re not married. We’re not courting. We weren’t even really courting back then, either. What with a quest and all.”

Thorin sighed and took another gulp of ale.

“Perhaps you are right, but I will not remove this braid, Bilbo. As long as I love you, I will wear it. With or without your bead.”

Bilbo massaged his forehead, cursing Thorin’s tenacity. After everything they had done to each other, why would Thorin want to remain so devoted to him? Bilbo couldn’t fathom it. It made no sense to him whatsoever.

“Well, it was a gift anyway. Keep it if you like. Can I get you another ale?”

Thorin glanced at his mug and shook his head. “I think I’m good for now. Thank you.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.”

“I should get going anyway,” Thorin decided, rolling his chair backwards. “For those… I think Oin has called them physical therapy sessions.”

“For your legs?”

“Yes.”

“Hopefully you’re not too drunk, then.”

“Like I said: Oin can kiss my ass if he has a problem with it. Besides, I’m not drunk. Perhaps a little bit buzzed, but not drunk. Not yet.” Bilbo opened the door for him. “Thank you, Bilbo. For talking to Dis and also for hearing me out.”

“Oh. You’re welcome,” Bilbo said. He half thought of telling Thorin he still didn’t quite agree with him on the matter of his sanity or lack thereof during those days they were under siege but decided against it, watching Thorin leave. Once Thorin was out of sight, he closed the door and leaned against it, sighing.

“ _There we go,” Bilbo said, letting the bead drop. His heart hammered, waiting for it to slip free but it didn’t and Thorin didn’t attempt to readjust it. “Looks like it’s staying in. Sorry. It’s uneven.”_

“ _Most braids are,” Thorin said. “Getting each strand to be the same width can be tedious, but it’s close from what I can tell.” He stroked it once, as though using his fingers to examine the work. “For a novice braid, it is well done.” Bilbo released a breath he’d been holding. Thorin arched a brow at him.“Were you that nervous about it?”_

“ _Well, it’s a courtship braid, right? I wouldn’t want you going around with a braid that looks like it was done by a child,” he replied. Thorin took his hand and kissed the inner side of his wrist, lips pressed to Bilbo’s pulse._

“ _I’m sure no one would think that at all,_ Ghivashel _,” he said, kissing Bilbo’s palm._

“ _What’s that mean?” Bilbo asked, his love of language getting the better of him over the idea of a new word. Thorin arched a brow at him. “What? You know I’m picking up a few things. If I wanted, I could say ‘hello,’ ‘goodnight,’ ‘shut up…’ Just to name a few.”_

“ _It’s a term of endearment,” Thorin said. “It literally means ‘treasure of treasures’ but the looser translation is ‘beloved,’ ‘dearest,’ ‘darling,’ and so on… it’s a common endearment among courting couples.”_

_Bilbo hummed._

“ _It’s cute. What other ‘terms of endearment’ are there?”_

_Thorin sighed, glancing over at the others. “I really should not be telling you.”_

“ _Please,” Bilbo scoffed. “Bifur only speaks Dwarfish. Half of what I know I got from observing him.”_

“ _Good point. Well, another common one is_ amralime _. It means ‘my love’ or ‘my heart.’” Thorin pulled Bilbo on his lap and kissed him. “Another would be_ men lanubukhs menu _, which means ‘I love you.’”_

“ _Oi! Lovebirds!” Bofur called. “Breakfast is ready!”_

_Bilbo slid off Thorin’s lap, shouting back that they were on their way. Bilbo grinned at Thorin._

“ _Come on. Let’s eat before Bombur decides to eat everything.”_

Bilbo moved away from the door back to where he had been sitting. He contemplated having another cup of tea. Deciding against it, he cleared the table and set the cups, the mug he had lent Thorin included, and began to wash them, trying to keep the thoughts of happier times between them at bay.

Otherwise, he was certain he’d weep.

#

“Well, what did you expect?” Dwalin asked Thorin after helping him back into his chair. Thorin massaged his sore leg muscles. “It’s gonna be a while yet.”

“My mind knows that. My lack of patience on the other hand does not care.” Thorin leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I fucking hate this.”

“Well, at least you’re not bedridden anymore.”

“True. I’ll learn to accept the small mercies as they come. How are things with you and Ori?”

Dwalin arched a brow at him.

“Good. You and Bilbo?”

Thorin groaned.

“I don’t know. I have hope, but I don’t think I can expect for more than friendship.” He hoped Dwalin didn’t sense how deep that stung him, thinking that he could never have a chance for more with Bilbo. “I’ll learn to accept that.”

“Aye, but you don’t want to.”

“No,” Thorin agreed. “I don’t.” There was no use denying that he’d always crave for more than a tentatively rekindled friendship. “But I’ll take what he is willing to give me.”

“Well, you know, if it were me and Ori, I’d be dead. Dori would’ve snapped my neck.”

“Dori’s likely the only one in existence who could,” Thorin said, grinning. Dwalin rolled his eyes. “What? You don’t agree.”

“Oh, I agree, I’d just rather not think what my brother-in-law – both of them – could do to me.”

“Last I checked you’ve not married Ori yet.”

“I’m working up to it.”

“Sure.”

“Fuck you, Thorin,” Dwalin snapped. Thorin shrugged, grinning at Dwalin and following him down the hall. “I can’t see any reason why I shouldn’t ask Ori to marry me. Granted, I kind of think he’s going to ask me if I drag my feet too long but with his brothers…”

“Right. Best keep to tradition. Or Dori will snap your neck anyway.”

“Bad enough we’re living together as far as he’s concerned,” Dwalin sighed.

“Wait. Since when?” Thorin asked.

“About half a year now,” Dwalin replied, opening the door to the throne room. The hall was empty save for a couple servants who were securing a ramp for Thorin. “Mostly because he wanted to get out of Dori’s thumb and my place is closer to the library, so…”

“Uh-huh. And you courting him….”

“Dori knows we’ve been together since the quest,” Dwalin said. “And as Ori’s an adult, there really isn’t much he can do. Which Ori loves to remind him. He tends to forget sometimes.”

“Thank Mahal for Balin’s influence on Dori?”

“Balin can be just as bad, actually. Don’t laugh, it’s fucking annoying,” Dwalin said, pushing Thorin’s chair up the ramp. He helped Thorin into the throne.

“It’s not that bad,” Thorin said. “As you said: Ori’s an adult. And as for Balin, I’m sure he just enjoys giving you grief.”

“You’d think he’d be done with giving me grief,” Dwalin growled. “I’ve had enough of his grief for a lifetime.”

Thorin wisely decided to let him think so. As far as he was concerned, Balin would never let up on Dwalin no matter how much Dwalin wanted him to. It was a brother thing. That was all.

The door opened and slammed shut again as Dis entered. She looked better than yesterday, but there were still circles under her eyes. “You’re actually here.”

“You’re actually late,” Thorin snapped back. “Are you well?”

“Well enough,” she sighed. “Where are the boys? They were supposed to be here?”

“Hell if I know,” Thorin said. “What is this regarding? The ball?”

“Mostly,” she said. “And who to invite. There were some incidents last year.”

“Oh Mahal,” Thorin groaned. “Do I want to know?”

“Is this about Fili accidentally knocking soup over Lady Sifa?” Dwalin asked. “Cuz that was funny.”

“Not to Lady Sifa, Lord Krohl, Fili, nor me. I’d rather avoid more accidents if it can be helped and part of that is whether or not to even invite them this year. Krohl has been horrid to Fili after and I’d rather not deal with him again.”

“How did Fili feel about it?”

“Horrified and has paid more than enough of his due toward them,” Dis said. “Hence why I do not really want to invite them as I may end up punching Krohl on principle. They treat it as if it were purposefully done. Which it was not.”

“Lady Sifa is a stuck up crone anyway,” Dwalin said, shrugging. “Accident or not, horrified or not, she was asking for it for years.”

“Yes, Dwalin, but that’s not the point,” Dis replied with an air ofexasperation.

The door opened again and the boys raced in, panting.

“Sorry,” Fili said as Kili collapsed down on the step, working to catch his breath. “We’re late. We know. Got held up in the mines.”

“More like the pub,” Thorin teased. Dis smacked his arm.

“So. The ball. Right. Amad. The floor is yours.”

He sat down beside Kili and took out a handkerchief to wipe his forehead. A servant brought them cups of water, which the boys thanked her for and gulped down.

“Right then,” she said once certain her sons were going to live. “Let’s get started.”


	15. Chapter 15

~Three Weeks Later~

They were completely snowed in.

Bilbo had taken to almost staying by the fire wrapped in a thick blanket over his head and around his body solely for the purpose of keeping warm.

The Dwarves, it seemed, had an easier time of it, wrapped up in furs from head to toe, but Bilbo wasn’t very keen on footwear and almost felt insulted when Kili offered to introduce him to a shoemaker so that Bilbo could get custom winter boots.

“Absolutely not!”

“You’re going to get frostbite,” Kili argued.

“I am a Hobbit and Hobbits do not wear shoes, Kili!”

“You’re going to have to compromise, Bilbo,” Fili added. “Unless you like the idea of losing a toe.”

That had made him think for a moment, then he went right back to rejecting it. He even refused to wear slippers. Sure they might be a midge more comfortable than shoes, but he was a Gentle-Hobbit of the Shire and – as he had seemed almost fond of reminding everyone – Hobbits. Don’t. Wear. _Shoes_.

Besides, he hadn’t lost any toes yet.

It was with that thought on his mind that had him flexing said toes at the fireplace, letting the heat soak in through the soles before burring them back under the blanket.

He loathed to get up from his warm cocoon to answer the door, but he did so, admitting the pesky princes once again.

“If this is in regards to shoes, boys…”

“Nope,” Kili said, “Amad requests your presence at the weaver’s guild so they can finish tailoring your clothes for the ball.”

“Oh.”

“You might still need to get shoes, though,” Fili said. “Amad isn’t as easy to win an argument with as we are.” Bilbo glared at him.

“Over my dead body.”

“I’m sure some people would find that agreeable,” Kili added, “given your stubbornness.”

“I believe it,” Bilbo sighed.

Even Thorin had insisted that he wear shoes when he saw that Bilbo was forgoing them. He knew they were just suggesting it out of concern, but _gods above_! It was getting far more annoying than it was worth.

They had fought over it and Thorin had just thrown his hands up and rolled away, grumbling over Bilbo’s stubbornness and lack of proper footwear. Bilbo didn’t understand the obsession with it. He’d gone through many winters without it. Every Hobbit did and they always managed.

Granted, they were always safe and comfy in their homes until spring like the rest of Middle Earth, but that was not the point!

He layered up and followed the boys down to the weaver’s guild. Entering the royal weaver’s shop, he bowed to Dis respectfully, and she responded with an acknowledging nod as she let the seamstress adjust her gown of navy blue and silver.

The exchange seemed cooler than it was. To most, it would seem as though Dis and Bilbo had not made much progress in their relationship. Rather they were quite amiable these days.

Thankfully, she said nothing about Bilbo’s lack of footwear.

“You look beautiful, Amad,” Fili said, kissing her hand.

“Thank you, _Nidoyel_ ,” she replied. “Bilbo, aren’t your feet cold?”

“Not really,” he lied.

In truth, his feet were freezing, but he wasn’t about to tell her that. Especially not in front of Fili and Kili when they were so close to dragging him to a shoemaker. Dis didn’t seem convinced, but thankfully she let it be.

Another seamstress approached him and bowed low.

“If you would please, Master Baggins,” she said, handing him the clothes made from the fabrics he had chosen. Bilbo thanked her and went behind a curtain to change.

The trousers were longer than normal Hobbit fashion, coming down to just above his ankles. They were lined with soft fur to lock in warmth. If not that they were clearly made for a party given the quality of the outer velvet fabric, Bilbo thought he wouldn’t mind wearing them daily. After the trousers, he put on a warm, padded tunic.

He left the changing room and let the seamstress make whatever adjustments were needed – the sleeves on the tunic were slightly too long still. As were the trousers, Bilbo decided, and had them hemmed a little bit shorter as well. Otherwise he feared what sort of accident longer pants could cause.

Once back in his usual clothes, Bilbo paid the seamstress for the adjustments and sat down, waiting for Fili and Kili to finish.

“Are you sure you’re not cold?” Dis asked once they were alone.

“I’ll survive. My feet grow hair for a reason,” he said. “Can’t say it’s perfect, but it works. I’ve not lost any limbs from chill before and I don’t expect to any time soon.”

“Well, just make sure that if you start loosing feeling in your toes, you’ll at least consider getting winter footwear,” she replied, “And also go to Oin before it gets worse.”

“I think I know what to do in the event of frostbite, my lady,” he said, trying to hide his annoyance.

“Everyone is just concerned,” she said. “And as for me, well. I’m a mother. What else did you expect? What if your own mother were here?”

“Thank you for making me glad that she isn’t. I fear what madness you and she would cook up.”

“Now I wish I had met your mother,” Dis replied, grinning evilly. “She sounds delightful.”

“Depends on what you consider delightful,” Bilbo sighed.

#

The musicians played a merry tune, easy and fun to dance to. Lords and Ladies from the Seven Clans danced, laughed, and ate happily. Due to the state of his legs, Thorin could not join on the dance floor, unable to do more than watch.

His gaze, however, remained fixed on Bilbo. He still thought it insane that Bilbo had refused to get winter shoes for his feet, but it didn’t seem that the cold bothered him as much as the others. He at least looked like he was having fun if nothing else.

To Thorin, though, he was radiant.

Dis collapsed into the chair beside him, fanning herself. “Oof! Pity you can’t join in. Unless you’re okay with being spun around by your nephews.”

“Let’s not,” Thorin chuckled. Fili and Kili would like that. His stomach on the other hand… “I’m afraid that I’d spew everywhere.”

“Ew,” Dis said, wrinkling her nose. “That’s disgusting, Thorin.”

He shrugged, searching for Bilbo again and frowning when one of the Dwarves Bilbo had not met before pulled him into a dance. The lord’s hands were a little too low on Bilbo’s hips for Thorin’s liking.

“You’re scowling,” Dis said, poking his cheek.

“Stop,” Thorin said. He swatted her hand away.

“What’s soured your mood?” she asked, trying to follow his gaze. She hummed when she spied Bilbo. “You know he is capable of handling Troi himself.”

“I know but that doesn’t mean I have to like that he’s fondling –”

“Fondling? Troi’s hand is on Bilbo’s _waist_. That’s not fondling.”

Bilbo laughed at something Troi said and Thorin gnashed his teeth. “Well, I don’t like it.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Dis replied. “He is your One after all.”

“Finally seeing sense?”

“I admit it took me a while, but I think Bilbo is quite delightful now that I’ve gotten to know him.” Dis took a sip of wine. “He loves you, Thorin. Even if he isn’t ready to admit that he is still in love with you, it is painfully obvious.”

Thorin’s tension spiked when Bilbo moved from dancing with Troi to dancing with M’riri. M’riri was young, and a handsome Dwarf. It would take a Dwarf with a stronger will than Thorin’s not to be bothered by the way Bilbo grinned at him.

Dis nudged him again. “Stop it. Bilbo will be dancing with a lot of people tonight. He is a valued member of your company and a Dwarf-Friend appointed by the high-king. Everyone is interested in him, regardless of your romantic feelings for him. As for any attraction _they_ might feel, well is that really your business anymore?”

“So what?” Thorin growled. “I shouldn’t be jealous?”

“I can’t stop you from feeling jealous, Thorin,” Dis said.

He sighed. “I know. And I know I’ve no right to be jealous, but neither can I help it.” Thorin moved away from the table. “I think I’ll just turn in for the night. Give my regards to the others, Dis.”

“I will. Good night, Thorin.”

He returned the blessing and left, but he did not go toward his chambers. Instead, he went to the East Gate and the parapets overlooking the land that had been the Desolation.

He moved to the rail where he had pinned Bilbo to, ready to toss him over the rail for betraying him. Thorin ran his hand over the cold stone.

He couldn't deny that he’d have been angry with Bilbo, sane or not, for the betrayal. He didn’t believe for a moment that he’d have tried to kill him, though, had he been completely in control of himself.

_He held on tightly to Bilbo’s waist, ear pressed to his chest and listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat as Bilbo’s hand combed through his hair._

_Downstairs, the others were still feasting at the master’s table. Thorin, though, while excited to be returning to the mountain, could not bring himself to feel their joy as the completion of their journey drew nearer._

_Not when he was going to send his beloved inside to steal from Smaug._

“ _I don’t think I can do it.”_

“ _Do what?” Bilbo asked._

“ _Let you go inside the mountain.”_

_Bilbo sighed. “It’s what I was hired to do, Thorin.”_

“ _I know,” Thorin replied, tightening his grip around Bilbo’s waist. “I just…I don’t want to lose you. If Smaug lives then…”_

_Bilbo hushed him and readjusted so that they could sit upright. He kissed Thorin tenderly. “I’ll be all right,” he promised. “If Smaug is alive, I’ll be careful. But I will do what I was hired to do. I’ll find the Arkenstone and bring it to you so you can get rid of the dragon.”_

“ _You say that as though you do not fear the dragon.”_

“ _Oh? I’m terrified,” Bilbo admitted. “But I’m also quite convinced that you worry enough for the both of us, Thorin. One of us has to stay positive.” He squeezed Thorin’s hand gently. “When we get through this, then we can court properly, right?”_

_Thorin nodded, his heart feeling lighter at the prospect of being with Bilbo officially. The braids were good enough for now, but there was so much more that he wanted to do for him. That he would do for him, once time allowed._

“ _In the off chance that I’ll never get another opportunity to say it, I want you to know that I love you,” Thorin said. Bilbo grinned. “With all that I am, I love you, Bilbo.”_

_Bilbo leaned in, pressing his lips to Thorin’s._

“ _I love you, too,” he whispered. “Always will.”_

Thorin’s throat tightened, like invisible hands choking him, as he remembered the last time he heard those words from Bilbo’s lips.

 _What the hell is wrong with me_? He thought, pounding a gloved hand on the stone. _No matter how angry and heartbroken I was, why would I threaten him? Why did I do that?_

Thorin sighed and moved away from the balcony. His last thought before at last going to bed was how what was done was done.


	16. Chapter 16

Bilbo moaned, not wanting to wake, but aware that he must.

His cock pressed against the mattress, sending delightful waves of pleasure throughout him. Sighing, Bilbo rolled onto his back, wishing that the events of his dream would leave him be.

He wasn't ashamed. It wasn't that. Whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, he knew he was still attracted to Thorin and the thought of sharing a bed with him again had some merit.

Except he didn't think he could do it.

In his dreams was one thing, but in reality?

Even if he was ready to be with Thorin again, there were some things that Bilbo simply wasn't ready to do. Likely he'd not want to have sex with Thorin again. Not given what had transpired between them.

Still, a little self-indulgence wasn't a bad thing.

Bilbo sat up and discarded his nightgown before diving back under the covers and gripping the base of his cock. He moaned again, gently building up his arousal and thinking of some of his favorite moments in his dream.

The way Thorin touched him in the dream was reverent and sensual. The way he kissed him was hungry, devouring. The moment they connected...the whole dream reminded Bilbo of before.

Before Thorin fell to the dragon sickness, to call the stolen moments alone "fucking" would be an insult. It was more akin to making love.

Bilbo sighed as he pushed his fingers inside himself, stroking his cock faster.

He was close.

So very close.

Bilbo moaned, almost gasping, when he came, spurting into his hand.

Gradually coming down from his high, Bilbo mentally kicked himself.

Fantasizing about Thorin wasn't going to help him any. Especially given how bad things ended up between them.

Still, the attraction, no matter how unwanted, had remained. Thorin was a handsome Dwarf, at least as far as Bilbo could tell.

Bilbo sighed and grabbed his clothing again, heading to the bathroom to wash up and prepare for the day and whatever else may come.

#

"You can change your mind, Uncle," Fili said. "I won't be upset if you decide to try being the king again."

"No," Thorin replied, smiling gently at Fili as he completed his statement, signing it at the bottom.

He dripped wax beside his name.

"I've made my mind up and I am quite certain it's the best course. I'm not leaving the mountain any time soon and, as I promised, I'll stay on as your advisor, but I will not resume my role as king." Thorin pressed the signet ring into the wax. "You've done fine so far. You'll continue to do fine. I trust you, Fili."

Fili groaned, slumping in his seat as Thorin moved away from the table. He patted Fili's knee.

"Everything that Erebor is today is your doing, Fili. l can't fathom being any prouder."

"If you say so, Uncle."

"Where was that attitude two decades ago?"

"Shut up," Fili snapped. "You best get going before Oin decides to rip your beard out for being late to your therapy session."

"You say that as though I don't look forward to them."

"You hate them."

"Yes, but love or hate, they are necessary and the sooner I can walk again, the happier I'll be." Fili followed him.

"Bilbo set a date for returning to the Shire."

"Oh?" Thorin asked, good mood dissipating at the news.

"End of February," Fili said. "So a couple months more. Just until the weather turns favorable for traveling. I thought you'd want to know. So to prepare for it. And Kili was thinking of having a farewell party."

"Sounds like a good idea," Thorin said.

Fili rested his hand on Thorin's shoulder.

"I am sorry, Uncle. Kili and I were certain that he'd want to stay a little bit longer. Give you and him enough time to overcome what happened."

"While I would like that, to be sure," Thorin sighed, "I feel there is too much pain between us. I know I would like to resume courting him, but ultimately, that is up to Bilbo. I fear he'll never feel safe with me again and knowing what caused my illness won't change that."

"But I thought Ones could overcome anything."

"In fairy tales perhaps," Thorin said. "This isn't a fairy tale. This is reality and sometimes I wonder if it were better had I never woken up."

At least when he was sleeping, he had dreams of a life with Bilbo. Grow old with him in the Shire...

"So you're just going to give up?"

Thorin was about to reply in affirmative, but stopped.

Give up Bilbo?

Give up any hope?

He shook his head.

"No. I don't think I'll give up, Fili, but I think more time is needed between us. There's far too much pain and I am willing to fight it, overcome it, so long as he is. At this time, it would be pointless to resume our relationship, no matter how much I would love to do so."

It wasn't fair.

He loved him. Bilbo had to know that he loved him dearly. Why else would he....

Thorin exhaled. It wouldn't help to think on it. Not right now.

"For now, I just want to focus on getting these useless things to work again.”

“One problem at a time?”

“Precisely.”

#

When he arrived at Dori’s tea shop, Bilbo stopped in his tracks and narrowed his eyes at Bofur, Kili, and Nori grinning innocently at him.

He trusted these three as far as he could throw them. Individually.

All three of them together and obviously up to something made Bilbo quite nervous.

“What are you up to now?” he asked, arching a brow at them.

“What makes you think we’re up to anything?” Bofur asked. Bilbo pointed at Nori.

“That’s a fair assumption,” Nori admitted.

“But we aren’t planning anything dangerous or stupid,” Kili said.

“This time,” Nori added.

“That’s not helping, Nori,” Bofur snapped.

“What exactly are you up to that is supposedly not dangerous or stupid?” Bilbo asked.

“Party planning,” Kili said, beaming at him. Bilbo stared at him, then looked at the other two to gauge whether or not this was a joke.

Apparently not.

“Didn’t we just have one.”

“That was a ball,” Nori pointed out. “This one will be a lot more intimate. Just the company and family to see you off before you go.”

Bilbo pushed past them. He needed tea. Lots and lots of tea. He waved at Dori when he spotted him, and pointed at one of the larger tables where the other three were already sitting.

“Think about it, Bilbo,” Kili said. “We don’t know when we’ll see you again after you leave.”

“You’re always welcome to visit,” Bilbo reassured him. “All of the company is welcome.”

“Yes, but when will we get the time to? I’m part of the court,” Kili pouted. “I don’t get much time to have any sort of fun.”

“Really?” Dori asked incredulously, setting down a tray of tea with five cups. “I’d have thought you of all people would manage to find a way to cause as much mischief as possible.”

“Fair assumption, my good Dori,” Kili replied, beaming. “Unfortunately, Amad, Uncle, and Balin will rip me a new one if I do anything to embarrass Erebor and Fili.”

“Fili?” Bofur asked. “Embarrassed? Doubtful. Oh! Bilbo, you’ll at least be here through Fili’s official coronation, will you? Thorin decided to abdicate.”

“He did?” Bilbo asked. He didn’t expect that.

“Aye,” Kili said. “Fili’s been anxious. The bad anxious. He’d been trying to convince uncle to change his mind since he decided to abdicate.”

“I’m sure Fili will do just fine,” Dori reassured him. “He’s managed for the last two years already.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t see it that way.”

“I suppose that means two more parties are coming up then,” Bilbo said. “This farewell party for me you’ve got planned and something similar to the ball for Fili’s coronation.”

He took a sip of tea. Almost instantly, he felt less overwhelmed due to the chamomile’s calming effects.

“When will the coronation be?”

Kili hummed, “I don’t actually know. I think Thorin, Balin, and Amad are working to have it set for before you leave so you can be there.”

“What does it matter if I’m there or not?” Bilbo asked.

“So you don’t want to support one of your friends on one of the biggest days of his life?” Nori asked.

“I did not say that!”

“No, but you’re alluding to it,” Dori said.

“When do you side with Nori?” Bilbo snapped, feeling cornered.

“I only side with him when he has a point.”

Bilbo sighed.

“If the coronation is before the beginning of Spring, then I’ll be there, but I really have to go before they start thinking I died in the wilderness again. I’d really like to avoid seeing my things being auctioned off again if I can help it.”

His friends stared at him, stunned.

“Yeah, I think we’ll head out with you,” Nori said.

“Definitely,” Bofur added.

“Count me in,” Dori agreed.

“Thank you,” Bilbo said. “I think.”


	17. Chapter 17

Fili held as still as possible while the royal goldsmith measured his head while also listening to A Very Important Session on taxes. It was all he could do to stay awake.Thorin didn’t seem better off and he didn’t even have to have the crown measured for his head. More than once, Fili caught him nodding off. He didn’t blame him. The goldsmith bowed to Fili and a servant followed him with the crown in an ornate box.

“My lord Fili?”

Fili blinked and looked at the council. They were staring at him. Thorin and Balin were trying not to laugh. “Erm…”

“What do you think of the updates to the property taxes?”

“Uh…”

Balin signed “good” at him, which helped.

“Sounds good,” he said. “Very good. Let’s move forward with that. Yeah.” He glared at his Uncle, who looked far too amused. Balin too. “What’s next?”

“Preparations for the census,” Balin said.

“Census…right….” _Kill me now_. “Let’s get on with it.”

“Actually, let’s wait an hour till we continue on, Fili,” Thorin suggested. “It’s almost noon.”

“Oh. _Oh_.” Lunch with the family. “Right. We’ll continue on at….” Thorin signed _two_ at him. “Two o’clock.” The council scurried off, some debating what to have for the midday meal themselves or whether to take a breather at home for the next couple hours. Once alone, Fili slumped. “Ugh….”

“Are you all right?” Thorin asked.

“Debatable,” Fili groaned. “I had hoped it would stop being boring eventually.”

“Sorry, Lad. It doesn’t get any better.”

“Damn.”

“Wait till they start trying to shove a Dam at him. That’ll be fun,” Balin said, grinning evilly.

“It won’t be that bad,” Fili sighed. “So long as she’s agreeable, ya know?”

“Wow, he’s taking the idea of marriage better than you did, Thorin?”

“Yes, well, I’ve always preferred males to females,” Thorin said, shrugging. “So the idea of marrying a Dam never did sit well with me.”

“You definitely made it known,” Balin said. “Some of those lasses were sweet girls, too.”

“That’s not the point,” Thorin snapped at him. “Come on, Fili, we best get going before your mother decides to rip me a new one.”

“She would, too,” Fili teased.

“Be kind to your uncle! I’m an invalid.”

“So I should give you special treatment?” Fili asked, pushing the chair. “You won’t be an invalid for much longer and you’ve decided to not resume your role as king, so technically I outrank you, Uncle.”

Thorin chuckled lightly. “Dream on, Lad,” he said. “Dream on.”

Once at Dis’ living quarters, Thorin took over the steering and Fili followed him inside. A pair of servants, who had just finished setting the table, bowed to them and backed away. Fili thanked them and dismissed them to see to other tasks.

“Kili?”he called. “Amad?”

“Kitchen,” Dis responded. Thorin maneuvered himself into the space without a chair. The doors opened behind them as Kili entered, pulling his gloves off, and sat beside Thorin. He was breathing heavily.

“Did you run here?” Thorin asked.

“Yep,” Kili said.

“From where? The mines?”

“Dori’s.”

“What were you doing at Dori’s?” Fili asked. Kili held up a finger, asking for a minute as he regained his breath and drank some water.

“Planning Bilbo’s farewell,” he said at last, “And figuring out who’s got the time to spare to go with him to the Shire. Seems his relatives tried to swindle him when he got back from the quest two years ago, so some of us are going back with him for moral support.”

“Let me guess: you want to go.”

“Can I?” Kili asked.

“Not without me,” Fili snapped. “So no.”

“Now are you speaking as my king or as my brother?”

“Kili, that is an amateur move!” Dis snapped. “You _never_ ask your brother if he’s speaking as your brother or as your king because they’ll always say ‘as king.’”

Thorin laughed.

“Fili wouldn’t do that,” Kili said. “He’s nicer than Thorin.”

“No, I’m really not,” Fili replied, smirking. “You are forbidden from going to the Shire without me, Kili. By order of your king.”

“You’ve not been crowned yet, so technically….”

“I will make it official after the coronation then.”

“That has to be abuse of power,” Kili complained.

“A little bit,” Thorin said. “But it’s a fine line when the king is your immediate relative.” Dis joined them at last, glaring at Thorin. “What?”

“A little bit? It’s blatant abuse of power.”

“But it doesn’t count when it’s the king’s brother. Or sister,” Thorin lifted his wine glass. “Besides, my being king never stopped you from doing whatever you damn well pleased.”

“True.”

“You being my sister was likely the only reason you got to keep your beard.” Dis smacked the back of his head. “And they say your sons are immature.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” Dis quipped.

“We were terrible role models for maturity,” Thorin sighed.

“Yes, we were,” Dis agreed. “It’s fun, though.” Thorin shrugged. It was fun, but that didn’t make it right. Still, the boys were used to their banter and it was good to have some semblance of normalcy back.

Fili stretched, yawning. “I am never going to get used to this, am I?”

“No,” Thorin sighed. “But it gets easier.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, _muzmith_ ,” Dis replied. “You’ve done wonderfully so far and you’ll continue to do wonderfully. So long as you do better than your uncle, I think all will be well.”

Fili poured himself some wine. “I don’t know. Uncle did pretty well.”

“Thank you, lad, but my rule wasn’t nearly as stable as yours has been. My legacy is likely to be more nomadic in nature.”

“Well, so was our Grandfather’s,” Dis reminded him. “And you established a colony in the Blue Mountains for us. After all, not everyone that is a descendant of Erebor will be returning.”

“Really?” Thorin asked. He hadn’t known that.

“Yes, and it’s fine,” Fili said. “It allows us to maintain relations with the Broadbeam clan if nothing else.”

“It wasn’t that great of a relationship,” Thorin reminded him.

“No, but that’s between you and Kirion,” Kili said. “The rest of us got along just fine with each other.” Thorin massaged his forehead.

“Still hate Kirion that much?” Fili asked.

“I don’t think Kirion and I will ever have any hope of getting along, but I can respect him. Marginally.”

“That’s the best most leaders can hope for,” Dis teased.

“And for good reason!” Thorin snapped.

“Never said it wasn’t. You just have a tendency to hold grudges.” Fili and Kili bit back their laughter as Dis grinned innocently at Thorin and as Thorin glared at Dis.

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

#

It had been a long day, but a good day. Bilbo had just sent word to the Thain that he was alive, well, and would be on his way back soon. He propped his feet up on an ottoman as he lounged in an armchair book on his lap and fire dancing and crackling in the hearth. On a table beside his chair was a glass of wine.

Yes, it had been a very good, productive day.

So it wasn’t hard to imagine that he fell asleep where he sat…

_Thorin examined his blade, testing its sharpness with the pad of his thumb._

“ _How can you do that and not get cut?”_

“ _Practice,” Thorin said, sheathing Orcrist. “There’d been many times I had cut myself on the blade doing that, actually. Thankfully it’s not as bad as it used to be. I almost severed my thumb completely once. That was an entertaining day.”_

_Bilbo shook his head. “Forgive me for not finding that humorous, Darling.”_

“ _I didn’t say it was humorous. I said it was entertaining. There is a distinctive difference.” He wrapped an arm around Bilbo’s waist, pulling him close and kissing him. “Besides, I still have both thumbs, as you can see.”_

“ _For now,” Bilbo teased, smiling. “I will not be surprised if you end up losing one anyway because of that little trick. I’ll help calm you down when it happens, but I will also tease you relentlessly after Oin gets it reattached.”_

“ _If I do end up cutting off my thumb, getting teased for it will be expected and welcome. I’ll likely make light of it myself. There are worse limbs to lose.”_

“ _I’m sure there are.”_

“ _Besides, I did not want to discuss severed body parts.”_

“ _I suppose it is a rather grisly topic. What do you want to talk about?”_

“ _What our future holds,” Thorin said. “I love you, Bilbo. You know this.” He tucked the courting braid behind Bilbo’s ear, fingers gently brushing against the shell. “Once the mountain is ours, I would like to court you properly, if you’ll allow.”_

“ _Oh?” Bilbo grinned. “This isn’t a proper courtship by Dwarven standards?”_

“ _Far from it,” Thorin chuckled. “There’s a lot more gift-giving in a traditional Dwarven courtship. Not just the bead, but a few others. A weapon to protect you in case we are separated, jewelry to show how much you are adored by me….things like that.”_

“ _Well, in that case, you best prepare to gain weight,” Bilbo replied, “And get used to having flowers in your hair. Maybe also your beard.”_

“ _The food, I can handle, but I’m not sure my reputation will allow for flowers.”_

“ _Too bad.”_

Woken by a knock at his door, Bilbo jolted and the book he’d been reading slipped to the floor. Three more knocks alerted him to his visitor and he called for them to wait as he righted his book and strode to the door.

“Evening lad,” Balin greeted. Bilbo repeated the greeting and let him in. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“No,” Bilbo reassured him. “What can I do for you, Balin?”

“Just wanted to deliver this. Fili and Kili would have delivered it personally, but they’ve a long day ahead.” He handed Bilbo an envelope.

“Invitation to the new king’s coronation, I presume?” Bilbo asked as he opened the envelope.

“Just a formality,” Balin said. “They really want you to be there for it, I suppose, otherwise they’d not be rushing to get it done so soon.”

“Well, I suppose I’ll have to go, then,” he sighed. “Wouldn’t want to deal with the king’s puppy eyes. Fili can be as bad as Kili in that regard.”

“I’ll pass on the message.” Balin patted Bilbo’s shoulder. “Good night, lad.”

“Good night.” Once alone again, Bilbo set the envelope on the table and wondered if he’d have to wear anything special to a coronation.


	18. Chapter 18

“Don’t you look regal,” Bilbo teased Fili. Fili beamed.

“I know. It’s odd ,” he said. “Where are you off to today?”

“To Dale,” Bilbo said. “Bard invited me over for a couple days when the weather allowed and now that it’s cleared up, I decided to take up the offer.”

“Oof. Don’t let Uncle hear you say you’ve accepted an invitation from another king.”

Bilbo smacked Fili’s arm. “Your uncle has no say how I spend my time anymore, nor ever did even when he and I were together. ”

“Yeah, but you know how he is when you’re concerned. He gets jealous. Especially when you spend time with royalty that  isn’t us, if you know what I mean.”

“I do,” Bilbo said. “And I hold to the fact that he has no say in how I spend my time, or with whom, royal or not. Thorin will learn to accept that. Can’t say he’ll learn fast enough, but he’ll learn."

Fili sighed. "Yeah...eventually, though I can't say he'll like it much."

Bilbo scoffed. "Thorin and I are not together anymore, Fili. As much as I can tell everyone would like it if we were...."

"There's too much pain still to work through?" Fili asked. Bilbo nodded.

"I can understand how him thinking he lost you and Kili pushed him over the edge into the gold madness, and I can see how its affected your family even more given what....uh...."

"Amad told us what our great-grandfather did," Fili said somberly. "So I do know what you mean." 

"I am sorry. It can't be easy knowing what Thror did to your family."

"It's not, but he's dead. He died before I was born and he can stay that way for all I care. I don't even know what I'd do once my time comes and I meet him in the halls of our forefathers. Probably punch him. At least once. In the jaw."

"Well, if it was my grandfather or great-grandfather having hurt my mother as Thror hurt Dis, I'd probably want to do more than that. After all, you don't mess with a man's mother and expect to get away with it."

Fili grinned. "Exactly."

Bilbo patted his shoulder. "I should go if I'm going to make it to Dale for dinner. I'll be back in time for your coronation. Promise."

"Good. I'm holding you to it," Fili said, grinning. 

With that, they went their separate ways - Fili to the throne room and Bilbo to the stables. 

He tightened his cloak around him as a servant prepared a pony for him. He double checked his pockets for a handkerchief. His horse allergies tended to be worse in winter and he'd rather not arrive with a dripping nose. 

"Fare you well, Master Hobbit," the servant said, bowing. Bilbo repeated the gesture and trotted out of 

the mountain toward Dale.

The journey was quick and light and he made it to Dale before the noon bell rang. On arrival to Bard's house, Bilbo almost was tackled by Tilda. 

"I couldn't have been missed that much," he chuckled, patting her head.

"Of course you were, Mr. Baggins," she said. "It's just not the same without you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing, hm?" Bilbo arched a brow at the little girl as they entered the house. "Are you sure you aren't hoping for more stories of my home?"

Tilda giggled. "Well, until I'm old enough to travel, your stories are all there is."

"How about I settle in first and we have lunch. Then I can tell you a few more tales after I've paid respects to your father, Sweetling."

Tilda pouted. "Oh, fine. The servants made up one of the guest rooms for you. It's this way." Bilbo followed her to the room and she opened the door for him. "Will this do, Mr. Baggins?"

The room was spacious. The wooden floors were covered by a dark red rug with pearly tassels on the edges. The four poster bed was low to the ground and the drawers were more wide than tall. Same with the chair by the hearth and the table.

"Was this room designed for Dwarven guests?" he asked.

"Da sometimes hosts Dwarven lords and envoys from the mountain," Tilda admitted. "Is that okay that we've set you up in this room?"

"More I'm surprised. I wasn't expecting to be so well accommodated. Feel free to pass on my gratitude to your father, Lass."

Tilda beamed. "I'll do that. I'll let you get settled and we can join Da and my siblings for lunch in an hour."

Bilbo thanked her and Tilda headed out, letting Bilbo unpack and unwind. Once he had a moment to breathe, he sat on the bed and laid down, sighing as he stared up at the fabric canopy above him. 

He felt himself drifting to sleep, if not for the sudden rumbling of his stomach alerting him that lunch was imminent and that was far more important than a nap at this time.

#

_ The kiss was sweet, tasting of honey. Bilbo's thighs shook as he moved, hips rising and falling on Thorin's cock. Thorin dug his fingers into Bilbo's hips, gasping at a delightful squeeze around him. _

_ "I love you," Thorin moaned. "I love you so much, Bilbo."  _

_ Bilbo kissed him again, hard and passionate.  _

_ Thorin moaned into the kiss, moving a hand into Bilbo's hair and tangling his fingers into the curls. Bilbo locked his arms around Thorin's neck and nipped his lower lip.  _

_ Thorin gasped and slid his tongue into Bilbo's mouth. He gripped Bilbo's cock and stroked gently, relishing _

_how Bilbo shivered at his touch._

_ The kiss broke and Bilbo gasped.  _

_ "I love you, Thorin. I always have." _

_ "Bilbo," Thorin moaned. "Bilbo, stay with me. Please stay. I love you. I never meant to hurt you." Bilbo hushed him.  _

_ "I'm not going anywhere, Darling," Bilbo said, shaking. "Gods, Thorin! I'm so close!"  _

_ "Thorin?" _

He woke with a gasp, startled out of his dream.

"Thorin? Are you awake?" Kili called.

Thorin sighed and shifted, glad the blankets covered his cock. He'd deal with it later. 

"Come in, Kili," he replied. Kili entered with a servant carrying a tray. Thorin glanced at the clock and arched brow. "What are you doing up this early?"

"Well, given that today is Fili's coronation, meaning you need to get ready to step down...Amad wanted me out of the way so she could help Fili get ready."

Thorin sighed. "Well, I think I can manage getting ready myself, Lad."

"But - "

"Kili, Fili's coronation isn't for another few hours. It doesn't take long to get ready and I'll be ready in time. In the meantime, could you go do something else."

Kili opened his mouth to retaliate and then paused. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'm going." 

He sent the blushing servant away and followed. Granted, Kili was just as red as he fled the room. Thorin laid back down, sighing and running his hands over his chest and stomach, building up his arousal again.

He ran one hand down lower over his abdomen and cupped his cock through his pants as he thought of Bilbo. The gorgeous blue eyes, golden curls, the cute nose...

Thorin pushed his trousers down and curled his hand around his cock, gasping at the sensations of skin on skin. Thorin moaned, Bilbo's name etched on his lips as he stroked his cock, imagining his hand as Bilbo's and replaying his favorite moments of his dream. 

He moaned, closing his eyes and focusing on his memories of Bilbo and the love he still had for him. 

Bilbo...

Bilbo...

Bilbo...

Thorin's back arched and he choked out a cry as he came. Once down from his high, Thorin leaned back

against the headboard and sighed.

He missed him. He missed holding Bilbo in his arms, kissing his lips, gazing into his eyes, combing his fingers into Bilbo's hair. Thorin exhaled heavily as he schooled his emotions. 

How can I even begin to make this right?

He hadn't a clue, but he knew he had to think of something. He didn't think it'd happen any time before Spring, but it would give him time to figure something out.

If nothing else.

I am going to win him back,  Thorin decided.  I want him back. I need him back.

Thorin pulled his trousers back up and swung his blankets off. He pulled his chair toward him, locking it in place before daring to get into the seat. Once as comfortable as he could hope to be, he went to eat the food Kili had brought. 

#

Bilbo returned the pony to the stables with Bard and his children. 

"We'll see you after the ceremony, right?" Bain asked. Bard sighed, massaging his forehead, and Bilbo chuckled. 

"Maybe, if I can get away from the company long enough after," he promised. "But I can't make any definitive promise, Lad."

"For now, we should get to our own places before the ceremony begins," Bard said, ushering Bain and Tilda to follow him and Sigrid. "Until next time, Bilbo."

"Till next time," Bilbo agreed, shaking hands with Bard. With that, they went their separate ways - Bard and his children to the throne room, Bilbo to his private room. Once there, Bilbo set out his nicest attire and went to wash up. 

After wiping off the dust of travel and cleaning his hair and feet, Bilbo went to dress and stopped in his tracks.

"Oh! Thorin. I didn't hear you come in," he said and tightened the belt around his robe. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Thorin said. "I just wanted to see you before the ceremony." He wheeled over to Bilbo. "How was your...trip?"

"It went well," Bilbo said. "It was good to get out of the mountain for a little bit. Be under the open sky for a little while. I do love the mountain, but sometimes you need to access fresher air." Thorin hummed, looking away from Bilbo. "Are you all right?"

"I am, I just..." Thorin looked at him and reached for Bilbo's hand. Bilbo offered it and waited for Thorin to find his words. "I know it's too soon for us, Bilbo, but I need you to know, I am doing this for you as much as for myself."

Bilbo pulled his hand away and crossed his arms. "Thorin, you can have any reason you chose for deciding to abdicate."

"I know, but I need you to understand that I won't just give you up without fighting for us."

"Thorin, please."

"I love you," Thorin declared. "And I will do whatever I must to make you believe me again. But I'm not going to give up. As long as there is breath in me, I will never stop loving you. I will never stop trying to fix what I've broken between us. I need you to know that I can't hold you at a distance. Not anymore. And I can't put myself through that. I love you, Bilbo, and I will love you till I die."

Bilbo massaged his forehead. "Telling me this isn't going to change what you did. Your love for me burned me as much as my love for you had burned you. Thorin, I can't go through that pain again."

"Yet here I am, going through it still. Bilbo when you left me, I was so distraught, I went into a fucking coma! I needed you most then, and you left me."

"Because you tried to kill me. We have already talked about this, Thorin."

"We've not talked. You've ranted, we argued, but we have not talked. Whenever it comes up, you go on the defensive and I can't keep banging against these unbreakable walls you've built up, Bilbo. I know I have traumatized you that day, but I don't believe for a second that it was enough to break our bond as One. That bond is deeper and stronger than anything that comes our way, even this."

Bilbo sighed. "Can we not do this now?" he asked. "Not when we should be focusing on Fili."

"Fine. Not now. But soon. I won't keep pretending to be all right when I am so far from it. We need to talk. To really talk and try to heal this rift, Bilbo. Can we try to do that after? Please?"

He stared at Thorin, trying to gauge whether or not Thorin meant what he said. At last, Bilbo let his arms fall to his side. 

"All right," he said. "After the coronation, we'll talk."

Thorin smiled gently. "Thank you, Bilbo."


	19. Chapter 19

The hall gleamed in golden fire light. Dwarves stood along the walls, waiting for their king and crown prince to enter. At the base of the throne, Balin held a scroll that listed the ceremonies of Abdication and Coronation.

The Company were given place with the Royal Family. Bilbo waited between Bofur and Ori, unsure what exactly to expect. Not that he needed to worry about what to expect. He just needed to stand still and applaud where needed. 

The doors creaked loudly and the hall fell silent as Thorin entered with Fili pushing him toward the throne. Fili maneuvered Thorin to face the people before doing the same. Both uncle and nephew were pictures of stoicism. Balin unraveled the scroll and cleared his throat.

"Today we gather," he began, "To honor our king and bid him farewell from office and obligation. For one hundred and thirty years, Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, has been our king and our chief." 

He highlighted Thorin's accomplishments - his prowess in battle at Azanulbizar, his dedication to helping the people of Durin's Folk survive through the wilderness of Dunland, settling in the Blue Mountains and making bad rock hospitable, the Reclamation of Erebor, and others that Bilbo had not known about.

After which, Balin shifted focus to Fili.

"In the last two years, while King Thorin was ill, Prince Fili, son of Lady Dis, Daughter of Thrain, Son of Thror, has proven to be a just and wise regent of Durin's Folk." 

Balin went into Fili's accomplishments while Thorin was comatose:

Rebuilding Erebor and Dale. Rewriting treaties and encouraging trade between Erebor, the Greenwood, Esgoroth, and other nations of Dwarfish, Elfish, and Human origin. The mines had been reopened, the mountain rock restabilized so to be worked in an lived in. Erebor's army had been rebuilt, as were the guilds. The land around the mountain was once again fertile and growing plants and trees from which food and medicine could be produced.

Several of these accomplishments were met with loud, joyous cheers. Bilbo thought it was well deserved and, if he was reading Thorin's face correctly, so did Thorin.

"In light of his success," Balin continued once the last wave of cheering calmed, "King Thorin has decided that the time of King Fili has come. Your majesty," Balin handed Thorin a scepter. Thorin took it and held it out to Fili, who also gripped the handle.

"Fili, Sister-Son of mine," he began. "Before I pass this task on to you and give you the crown of Durin, three oaths you must take." 

"My lord and uncle, name these oaths," Fili replied.

"Do you swear by the name of Durin the Deathless to lead our people in peace and in war?"

"I swear by the name of Durin the Deathless."

"Do you swear on the graves of our kin to uphold the laws of our forefathers, to act with justice and mercy where it is called on most?"

"I swear on the graves of our fathers."

"Do you swear by the Maker of Dwarves, God of Fire and Earth, to not only lead but to serve where it is needed, and to know that without the people there is no king?"

"I swear by the Maker of Dwarves."

"The task I give you, Sister-Son, is not an easy one. Each decision you are given must be weighed with caution. I offer you my service as counselor should you wish it."

Fili seemed to radiate relief, but it only seemed visible to those who knew him best. "I accept your offer graciously, my uncle and my lord." 

Thorin released his hold on the scepter and picked up the raven crown. Fili knelt, head bowed as Thorin placed it on his head. Fili straightened and Thorin motioned for him to take the throne. Fili did so, though he looked far from comfortable there.

"Now come the Days of Fili Goldenheart, first of his name, Lord of the Silver Fountain and King Under the Mountain. Long live the king," Thorin said, voice bouncing off the stone walls. Almost immediately, the echoing call of  _ long live the king  _ rang through Erebor.

#

"When did Fili get a byname?" Bilbo asked Bofur as he passed him the bread rolls. "I don't recall him having one before."

"He was given it by Dain after the battle two years ago," Bofur said. "Fili's always been a bit protective of his kin. Especially Kili, Gimli, Thorin (Dain's son, not our Thorin), and so on. He's the eldest of the new generation of Durin's direct lineage, so he's kind of inherited Thorin's sense of responsibility toward the younger lads and lasses in the family."

"I do remember that, yes."

"Aye. Did you know that Fili was ready to sacrifice himself in the battle, too?" 

Bilbo had. If not for Kili's arrow, Fili would have been run through by Azog's blade. Thankfully, Kili's arrow hit Azog's shoulder, startling the Pale Orc enough for Fili to wiggle free and join them on the ground. He was hurt that day, but no worse than the others.

"Hence Goldenheart. Could be worse."

Bofur laughed. "Imagine if it were Thorin who came up with Fili's byname?"

"Oh," Bilbo hummed. "Thorin probably wouldn't bugger it too bad."

"Ehh...."

"I said probably."

"Okay, that's fair."

Bilbo glanced down their table at the center where the king sat. Fili still seemed off sitting in what he had long considered his uncle's chair, but he was doing well not to show his discomfort. Further down, where Kili used to sit (as Kili would now be seated where Fili used to be as the next in line to the throne. At least until Fili decided to marry and have heirs. Was that even something Fili wanted to do?), was Thorin. 

To Bilbo he seemed more at peace as though a great weight had been lifted off him.

Bilbo supposed it had at least somewhat. A part of him wondered if Thorin was going to regret staying on as Fili's counselor and advisor for the coming weeks. Well, probably not. Fili did quite well in the last two years without Thorin to act as an advisor to him. Thorin caught Bilbo's gaze and smiled, raising a goblet in greeting. Bilbo repeated the gesture and Thorin looked away.

"So," Bofur said. "Now that he's not a king, Thorin might....you know."

Bilbo nodded. "True, but that's really between me and him at this point, Bofur. I'm sure Thorin and I will come up with something that will benefit us both."  _ Preferably one where _ _ he lets me go and I can live my life in peace again without all his drama.  _ "F or now, though, I think it would be best to make sure we run out of beer, don't you?"

Bofur grinned. "I can drink to that."

"Literally," Bilbo agreed. They banged their tankards together and chugged. Bofur leaned back too far and lost his balance, toppling over with the chair. Bilbo looked down at him. "Are you all right?"

"I've been worse," Bofur admitted, stumbling to his feet. He wobbled a little bit, meaning he likely already had his fill of alcohol, but managed to right himself. 

"Yes," Bilbo agreed. "You have been worse."

"And don't you forget it," Bofur said as he fixed his chair and sat back down only to miss the seat all together and fall flat on his ass again. "Whoa!" Bofur shouted, arms flailing. Bilbo and the Dwarves around them broke into merry laughter at Bofur's expense.

"Perhaps you should just stay down, Bofur," Bilbo said. "You clearly don't have your feet right now."

"Says you! I'm not drunk yet! I'm just clumsy!"

"Oh, right. You falling on your ass twice in a row has nothing to do with the..." Bilbo glanced at Bofur's tankard. "How many pints of beer have you had tonight?"

"Not anywhere near close to enough, Baggins."

"Right. You need to be passed out on the floor to be drunk enough."

"Now you're speaking my language," Bofur agreed, successfully sitting back down. "To King Fili!" Bilbo laughed as he and others chugged once more to Fili's health. Poor lad was red as Hamfast Gamgee's prize tomatoes.

Bilbo called it quits around midnight and went back home. Once there, he collapsed on the bed and fell into a deep sleep...

#

Bilbo would be surprised if the whole damn mountain wasn't hungover. His head pounded like a bloody drum. Still, he recalled there were things to do. 

A conversation that needed to be had.

So he was doing his best to navigate to Thorin's room for breakfast. Once there, Bilbo almost face planted into the door when the servants were leaving. They gave their apologies, which Bilbo dismissed - it wasn't as though they intended to hurt him after all - and let them go their way. He closed the door gently and looked at Thorin, who seemed as ill as he felt. 

"Are you sure now is best?" Bilbo asked. 

"It needs to be done," Thorin replied, "Though I never thought I'd say I have had too much to drink."

"Well it's not as though either of us are all that willing to be sober for this conversation," Bilbo said, sitting down across from Thorin at the table. To be honest, Bilbo didn't know what else could be said between them. And it seemed Thorin felt the same, way he picked at his breakfast.

At last, he pushed away his plate and sighed. "I know that nothing I say will change what I did to you, but I need you to understand that if I were not ill then, I would not have dared hurt you like that." 

Bilbo bit his lip, wanting to retaliate. Given how Thorin had paused, he supposed that it was expected. Instead, he kept silent, waiting for Thorin to continue.

"I think that on that day, at that time, I acted on my anger. I felt betrayed because you knew what the Arkenstone meant to me. I guess I wanted you to feel as hurt as I did, but all I have are excuses. I know that the call of the gold will always haunt me. But nothing is more important to me than you. I love you, Bilbo, and I can't bear that you are afraid of me now. I can't bear that I am the cause of your fear and I don't blame you for leaving as you did."

Thorin sniffed.  Bilbo glanced up from the plate to Thorin. He was crying. His eyes were glossy and he was trying not to let it be noticed. 

"Bilbo, I am sorry. Please,  _ Ghivashel _ , forgive me for what I had done in my rage. I never meant to hurt you and I never wanted us to part as we had, if we had to part at all."

Bilbo swallowed. "I was thinking of reaching out to the company when Balin and Dwalin showed up, you know. Perhaps fix the friendships I had broken by leaving the way I did. I was also wondering if I was too hard on you. I knew you were sick, after all, and not yourself. 

"At the same time, it was you, Thorin, so I don't...I don't think I could ever be able to be in a relationship with you again beyond friendship after all that happened between us. It's not..." Bilbo sighed. "It's not that I see myself truly being able to love anyone else as much as I loved you, but at the same time, I can't put myself through that heartache again, Thorin. I think we broke each other apart too much that day."

"That may be true," Thorin agreed, "but to be fair, there is only one course of action that I can see. I know I will always love you. I know I will always try to be who you deserve. Once I met you, you were ever on my mind. I was attracted to you from that night onward. 

"The more I got to know you, the more I knew it was you. That you were my One and that I would love you till the end of my days. I accept my part in your decision to leave as you had that day. I know I may never be able to make up for what I've done to you and I will learn to accept that I've lost you to another if there is another who could treat you better than I did. 

"Still, it will hurt and that is my risk to take. I just need you to know where I stand, I suppose. I need you to know how dear you are to me and how deep my regret for hurting you is. I'm not asking you to love me again or even to forgive me at this point, I just want you to feel safe with me again. And even then, I know that may be too much to hope for."

Bilbo felt that he was about to cry himself. "I just don't understand how my giving the Arkenstone to Bard and Thranduil warranted that level of rage, Thorin. I know that the madness makes the Dwarves in your family react negatively to certain things such as what can be misconstrued as theft and even actual theft, but I still...how could you, in any way, think that what I did warranted a death sentence?"

"I don't know if I was thinking then, Bilbo. Mostly, I think I was feeling more than thinking. Like my emotions took over my rationality. All I do know is that I have felt nothing but regret for what I've done to you since. I wish I could make this right, but I can't, Bilbo. If I could go back in time and stop myself, I would. But I can't change what I've done to you. All I can do is express my remorse and pray that someday you'll not look on me with fear in your eyes or anger or hate."

Bilbo shook his head. "I never hated you. I loved you. I was and am angry at you, and at times I can't say I am not afraid of you, but I never hated you." 

Thorin closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand, leaning on the table. Bilbo feared he had made it worse admitting that he was afraid of Thorin sometimes. The part that still loved Thorin wanted to embrace him and kiss away his tears. Bilbo blinked back his own tears.

"I never meant to make you cry, Thorin," he said. "But we've hurt each other too much, don't you think? This...relationship we had wasn't...I don't know if it was good or if it was healthy or if it was just doomed to fail from the get go, but..."

He didn't know what to say that would make Thorin feel better. Perhaps nothing.

"You said that day that you didn't feel safe with me," Thorin said. "Regardless what we hoped for, I failed you. I wanted to be more than just your king. I wanted to be your husband, Bilbo. To be your lover and friend. To share the good and the bad with you. I miss you, Bilbo. Reclaiming Erebor was for my people. Abdicating the throne was for you. I don't come to you as a king or as a lord. I only ever came before you as myself: a sell-sword and a blacksmith. I have vowed to serve my king, and so here I must stay. I know you must return to the Shire, but I will join you when I can."

"You don't have to do that."

"I choose to do so. I lost you once. My heart could not bear the pain losing you inflicted on it. Do you really think it would survive losing you all over again if I don't try to prove that I want to be better for your sake? I can't give up, Bilbo. I don't want to let go of any hope that may still exist that we can be as we were before."


	20. Chapter 20

Bilbo wanted that too. Looking at Thorin now, seeing how miserable he was, he pitied him. _Hasn't he paid enough?_ A thought that sounded suspiciously like his mother asked. For Thorin, it was like yesterday, though he knew it wasn't. _Hasn't he punished himself enough?_

Bilbo massaged the back of his neck, “I don’t know if we can ever go back to being lovers, Thorin. I’m still...” angry? Hurt? Upset? Betrayed? All of them were good words to use, but at the same time they weren’t. He sighed and reached to Thorin’s hand, taking it in his own. “I still love you, too,” he said. “But as I said then, I don’t feel safe with you as I used to, Thorin. I know that you’d never hurt me in your right mind, but that’s just a bandage covering the scabs because in the end you did hurt me and while I _know_ it wasn’t really _my_ Thorin, it still was...am I making any sense?” 

“You are,” Thorin replied. “I do know what you mean.” He squeezed Bilbo’s hand. “It was Thorin the king who went mad and tried to possess you and kill you. I am not him anymore. I don’t ever want to be him again. I was a better Dwarf when I was Thorin Oakenshield. That was who you loved and that is who I will be, if it helps.” 

Bilbo’s heart pounded rapidly. “I wish that relieved my own fears.” 

“Which is why I will do all I can to prove to you that I am the Thorin you loved then.” 

Bilbo dared not look up at him. If he did, he’d likely just give in and let Thorin think that he’d been forgiven. As he held Thorin’s hand in his own, Bilbo recalled how sweet their touch had been against his skin. Calloused and rough, but gentle. But at the same time, these same hands had been hard on him, held him against the ledge and was ready to lift him over the banister and let him fall to his death. 

“I miss you, _Ghivashel_ ,” Thorin said, raising Bilbo’s hands to his lips and kissing the knuckles gently. Bilbo bit back a whine as he remembered the way Thorin used to smile at him, with such reverence and amazement. The way those lips used to touch his own, scratchy from his beard yet ever sweet. “I love you and I will say so every day and as often as I must to help you believe me.” 

And then there was that voice, now proclaiming how much Thorin loved him, but also was the same voice that gave the order to toss Bilbo off the rampart. That called him a rat and worse. Who in one moment of madness destroyed any hope that their relationship could survive the worst of trials. 

At last, Bilbo looked at Thorin. Thorin was staring at Bilbo’s hand, tears spilling down his cheeks, a gentle agony. He had seen those eyes shimmer like glass before now, many times since Thorin woke. But the first time he had seen them like that.... 

The first time had been the day Thorin tried to kill him. Thorin had been trying not to show how Bilbo giving the Arkenstone to Bard and Thranduil broke his heart in his tone and in his actions. Bilbo had been too preoccupied giving his reasons, his logic behind his actions, to deal with the emotional repercussions that were breaking Thorin’s heart even as he spoke. 

Thorin loved him with all that he was. 

Of this, Bilbo had no doubt. 

But... 

“Did you ever love me?” Thorin asked. 

Bilbo blinked, at last giving his own emotions room to breathe. “How could you ask that?” He squeezed Thorin’s hands back. “I loved you with all that I had to give. I fully intended to stay with you, Thorin. I wanted to stay with you. I also dreamt of a future where we were married and happy. It was the only reason I did what I did. 

“I wasn’t trying to be cruel or deceitful. I was trying to get you to honor your promise because we were outnumbered, Thorin. You promised the Men a portion of the gold. Thranduil just wanted the gems back. I know there was more politics at play than I understand, but I still hold that I did what was right. I did it because I loved you and I didn’t want you to die because of your own blasted stubbornness.” 

Thorin chuckled ruthlessly. “Had I not been so ill of mind, I would never have raised a hand against you. So much would be different. I meant what I said, Bilbo. Had I killed you, I don’t think I’d have been able to forgive myself or have the will to keep living.” 

“I wouldn’t want you to do that. It’d be cruel to your family.” 

“Do you think that would have stopped me? Far gone as I was? No, Bilbo. Had the gravity of what I'd done hit me, I don’t think I’d have had the will to keep living. Even just losing you as I did was enough to push me into a sleep in which only you could wake me from. Only you, Bilbo.” 

Bilbo sighed. “I did love you then and I think I may still love you now. But to be honest, Thorin, how am I ever to trust you again? After everything you did, whatever hope we had of being together as lovers again is gone. I am willing to be friends again, but I don’t know if I can be more than that again.” 

Thorin nodded. “I will learn to be content with just that,” he said, letting Bilbo’s hand go. “But I will not remove my braid, Bilbo, if that is what you expect of me. By your leave, I will keep your bead as well. I am not ashamed to be rejected for there is a good reason behind your rejection.” 

“As you will,” Bilbo said. He stood. He hadn’t eaten. His appetite was gone, but he supposed it’d come back soon enough. “Until next time, Thorin.” With that, he left. 

Safely back in his room, Bilbo covered his mouth, trying to muffle his sobs. 

How could he still be so broken over Thorin? How, after all that Thorin had done, could he still be in love with him? He knew he was right to leave Thorin, but why did it still hurt so much? Why did he still feel so much pain being separated from him? 

_I love him but I can’t trust him again. I want to be with him, but we can’t ever rekindle it. I can’t go through the pain of loving him again. I don’t want to love him anymore. Please, Valar, spare us this pain. I can’t keep...I can’t..._

~3 Years Later~ 

~Hobbiton~ 

It was getting easier. Thorin’s legs still ached here and there but otherwise, his old strength had returned. Even so, his age was getting the better of him. Thankfully it was a bright mid-spring day and he didn’t mind resting in the warmth. 

Especially when he had developed quite the gaggle of Hobbit children fascinated with him. They were a delightful bunch, these little Hobbits. They almost reminded him of Fili and Kili at that age. 

Thorin had always liked children. He knew he didn’t want to be a parent himself, hence why he named Fili and Kili his heirs. 

The parents kept close watch. Some were far wearier than they needed to be. 

Thorin didn’t fault them their caution. He was much the same after his role of uncle became one of role model and disciplinarian. Still, it was the Shire. It was far more peaceful than most other lands. For which Thorin had come to appreciate and be grateful for. 

Somewhere needed to be peaceful in this war-torn world. 

One of the lads was examining his staff. “Do Dwarves normally use a cane?” 

“The old ones do,” Thorin said, smiling gently at the lad. “And the injured.” 

The children stared at him. “You do have some white hair, Master Dwarf, but you don’t look older than my Da.” 

“Did you get a bad injury then? He did say that the injured use canes.” 

“In my case, it is both,” Thorin said. The children were awed and kept asking what sort of battle or skirmish he’d been in that would require the staff. Thorin hadn’t the heart to tell them that he needed it for his legs were still weak from his coma. 

He braced his staff and stood back up to finish the hike to Bag End. There were voices within and laughter and music. A party, perhaps? If so, he could return, but one of the children already was already at the door and banging against it. 

“Mr. Bilbo! Mr. Bilbo! One of your Dwarves is here!” The door opened and Bilbo shooed the lad back so he wouldn’t get hit by the door. He glanced at Thorin and his eyes bugged. 

“You?” 

“As promised,” Thorin said, trying to remain impassive. “I see you’re entertaining. I can come back in the morning.” 

“Oh, that’s all right. There’s more than enough food. Come in. I’ve met your family. Only fair you meet mine.” The children bade Thorin farewell and rushed off home. Bilbo held the door open for him and instructed him to hang his cloak up on the coat rack. “Go ahead and take a seat in the foyer, Bilbo said, motioning him to enter the room. It wasn’t a large party. Just five others. The older of the five stood and held his hand out to Thorin. 

“Good afternoon, Sir. Fosco Baggins at your service. My wife Ruby,” the elder of the women nodded. “Our daughter, Dora, and our two lads Drogo and Dudo.” 

“It is an honor, Master Fosco,” Thorin said, gripping Fosco’s hand and gave it a friendly shake. “I am Thorin, a friend of Bilbo’s. I did not intend any intrusion.” 

“No worries, Sir. No worries. We were just finished the...oh, Bilbo does he know?” 

“No. He doesn’t,” Bilbo said, returning with a plate of food for Thorin. “We just finished signing paperwork allowing Drogo to inherit Bag End. He’ll be the family patriarch after me." 

“Is that common?” Thorin asked, sitting down. Bilbo took his seat in his armchair. 

“Not particularly, but I got the idea from you, actually. The lad that _normally_ would inherit my land and titles isn’t a lad I feel I can trust. Especially given how his mother is. Horrid bitch.” 

“Bilbo!” Ruby snapped. 

“Oh, hush, Mama, you know it’s true,” Dora said. 

Thorin didn’t respond. He had heard Bilbo complain about his closer relations, but not these people. Not as far as he could remember. 

“There aren’t many in the family that I have remained fond of, but Fosco and Ruby have been quite helpful after my adventure with you, Thorin. I couldn’t think of a better way to thank them for their help. Naming their eldest my heir seemed like the best option.” 

Drogo was blushing, trying to hide in his teacup. 

“I offer my congratulations, then,” Thorin said. “It’s a fine responsibility and if Bilbo thinks you’re best suited for the job, you must be a brilliant lad.” 

“Bit calmer than Fili, I’ll say, but just as up for the challenge.” Thorin smiled gently at him before being pulled into a conversation with Fosco regarding his journey West. At least these weren’t the relatives that Bilbo griped about. They were quite lovely... 

# 

After bidding Bilbo’s cousins goodnight, the mood seemed to shift. Thorin hoped for the better, but with the way Bilbo frowned at him, he wasn’t sure. 

“I take it Fili gave you leave to come here?” 

“I’ve retired,” Thorin corrected. “The last of my years are mine to do with as I wish.” 

“Did you travel alone? That’s not a journey I would do.” 

“No. Not alone. I went with some who were heading to the Blue Mountains. We parted ways at the Baranduin. From there, I was in the Shire and hardly anything happens in the Shire that I can’t handle alone.” 

“And the cane?” 

“My legs are still not at their old strength, though it may be a mixture of my coma and age catching up to me. Are you angry that I came?” 

Bilbo shook his head. “No. I figured this day would come eventually.” He went back into the foyer and built up the fire. “What do you want, Thorin?” he asked, sitting back down in his chair. 

“What I’ve always wanted,” he said. “To make right what is broken between us. I’ve tried, Bilbo, to live without you these past three years, but I'm afraid I remain ever hopeful that we can be together again.” Bilbo sighed. 

“You’ll not give up till one of us is dead, will you?” 

“Do you want me to?” Thorin asked. “Or is what you told me three years ago before you left no longer your truth?” Bilbo closed his eyes. 

“It is still true for me,” he admitted. “And I wish so much that I could trust you again, Thorin, but even now....” 

Thorin knelt before Bilbo and held his hand out to him. Bilbo took it in his. 

“I am willing to try and overcome our problems as long as you are, _Ghivashel_ _,”_ Thorin said. “And no matter what I’ve done, I cannot imagine loving someone as much as I loved you. It is you. It has always been you, Bilbo. And by your leave, I would renew our courtship. I know we cannot go back to the beginning. I don’t want to go back to the beginning. So here I am asking for another chance to prove to you that you mean more to me than any treasure in Arda.” 

Bilbo met his gaze. “We were too cruel to each other, Thorin. It wasn’t heathy.” 

“And we can work on that. Can’t we?” 

Bilbo’s eyes shifted to the braid with his bead that Thorin wore. “Even now you won’t take it out?” 

“No.” 

“How can you still love me after everything?” Bilbo asked. “I’m still amazed that I still love you as it is, but after everything I don’t know...” 

“Bilbo, I have no intention of hurting you ever again. None. And certainly not to such a caliber. I am not perfect. I never was, but I am yours and I always will be. I will live the rest of my days being the Thorin you fell in love with. I do hope that this place where we met will help more than Erebor ever could.” 

Bilbo looked at Thorin’s face again. “Well, I'm more ready to try again now than I was three years ago,” he said. “But I’m telling you now, Thorin, if you try to kill me again, that’s it. In fact, I will cut your hair if you dare it again. Same goes for cheating, though I know that’s far less likely, given us. Granted, cheating is far more forgivable than attempted murder, so...” 

Thorin eased back up and pressed his forehead to Bilbo’s. “May I put my braid back in your hair, Bilbo?” 

Bilbo swallowed, blinking. “Yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Complete! I love happy endings. Even when they're bittersweet. Thanks for reading everyone!


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